


The Beautiful Ones

by hannakin



Category: SKAM (Norway)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Grief/Mourning, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Past Character Death, Romance, Strangers to Lovers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-21
Updated: 2019-09-15
Packaged: 2019-11-27 04:36:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 35,010
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18189851
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hannakin/pseuds/hannakin
Summary: When Isak meet Even they are both healing. Physically and mentally. Isak with a second chance at life he is not sure he deserve. Even with guilt and grief eating him alive.  Isak with a huge scar on his chest, deep and ugly and gross to look at. Even with his scars on the inside, invisible to anyone who doesn’t know they are there.In Isak’s eyes Even has the brightest smile, capable of lightening Isak’s entire world. He is a fresh whirlwind in Isak’s dull life. Someone that makes Isak feel butterflies in his stomach and makes him feel alive again.Isak makes Even feel hopeful even in his darkest moments. Isak makes him feel like he has something to live for again.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I know I just posted an entire fic not even two weeks ago but since my workload at uni begin to lessen I feel more and more inspired to share more of my ideas. PLus the amazing feed back I got on my big bang fic made me feel even more inpsired and happy. This is by no means something I wrote just now. This was what I wanted my big bang to be originally but the fic grew bigger and bigger and I knew I wouldn't be able to make it justice. But now I have a couple of chapters finished and I will have more time to write soon which means that it is a good time to publish the first chapter. 
> 
> Uploading something new is always scary but this one is SUPER scary because I worked so intensely on it for several months before putting it on hold. Now I'm picking it up and handing it over to you :)

“Are you ready for your first day of school?”

Isak looked up from the kitchen table as his dad entered the kitchen dressed in a suit and coffee cup already in his hand. Isak just shrugged. The truth was that he was nervous about it. So nervous that he hadn’t been able to fall asleep yesterday. It would be the first day back in over six months. Everyone was going to be staring at him like he was a freak and probably talk about him behind his back. He wouldn’t even share any classes with his friends anymore.

“I’m sure it will be fine,” his dad continued awkwardly when Isak remained silent. “Did you take your medication?”

“Yes,” Isak sighed heavily. “I have a notification on my phone, remember. You don’t have to nag about it.”

Terje put his coffee cup down on the counter and rolled his eyes.

“Isak…” he started.

“What?”

“Just… I’m only looking after you. You know that, right. I’m glad that you are here and that you are doing better…”

“Whatever,” Isak muttered and stood up.

His dad watched him walk over to the sink and empty his half-eaten bowl of cereal before he rinsed the bowl and put it in the dishwasher.

“You didn’t finish your breakfast…” Terje started in a tired voice. “You need to eat. Staying healthy is important.”

“I’m not hungry,” Isak said and made his way over to the spare room.

He could almost hear his dad sigh as he closed the door behind him.

It really was his room rather than a spare room, but it didn’t feel like his room at all. He had barely done anything to make it feel like it was his. The bed was big and luxurious, and his dad had bought him a TV and a playstation when he moved in. Still, he felt like a guest in his own home.

He didn’t want to live here but his dad refused to let him move out and since he was still a minor he had no choice but stay here. With a dad who tried his best to fix a cracked and frail relationship that would never be anything but that. Their relationship was too fucked up to begin with.

He got dressed without looking at himself in the mirror, put on his snapback and headed to the bathroom to brush his teeth. In the stark bathroom light, he couldn't help but look at himself in the mirror. He looked healthy again, so different from six months ago. People who didn’t know about him would never guess that he had almost died only half a year ago. His face was back to its normal complexion and his cheeks were not as hollow any more. He might look all healthy and back to normal but inside he still felt lifeless.

His dad was already on his way out of the apartment, rushing to find all his things when Isak exited his room. He looked stressed and tired, just like he had for the past three years but especially since Isak got sick. He had lost weight which he never seemed to regain and seemed to have aged ten years in just a few months. Even his hair was starting to grey.

“Have you seen my charger?” he asked absently.

“In the living room,” Isak muttered under his breath.

His dad had not always been like this. Messy and absent minded, always forgetting things but living with Isak was probably stressful.

“Thanks, Isak,” his dad smiled and as he passed Isak in the hallway he reached out and patted Isak on the shoulder.

“I left some money for take out since I won’t be home until late tonight. You will be alright though?” he said.

Isak didn’t answer and Terje disappeared into the living room to fetch his charger and returned only moments later.

“Good luck on your first day back,” he said and smiled in Isak’s direction. “Call me if you need anything or if you feel like it is too much.”

Isak didn’t smile back and watched his dad’s face fall slowly. He pushed the guilt far away as he watched Terje put on his clothes and readjust his tie in front of the mirror.

“I guess I’ll see you tonight then,” Terje said awkwardly.

“Yeah,” Isak said. “I guess!”

As soon as the door closed behind Terje, Isak could feel himself let go of a breath he didn’t know he was holding. Living with his dad was exhausting.

-

Isak took the tram to Nissen since his dad lived quite far away. His dad had offered to drive him but Isak had declined. Having his dad with him in the car would only make him more anxious about going back to school. Besides, he really enjoyed being able to do something as normal as taking the tram again. He put music into his ear and blasted N.W.A through his headphones the whole way there. The tram was packed with people but Isak didn’t mind.

Jonas was already there when he arrived and so was Mahdi, a guy Jonas had started hanging out with during the summer. Isak didn’t know him well but he was into smoking weed and partying. Just like Jonas. Just like Isak used to. Isak had hung out with them a few times over the summer but he still wasn’t sure Mahdi liked him. He was friendly and easy-going but the two of them had not hit it off like Mahdi had with Jonas.

“Hey,” Jonas said as Isak approached the two of them.

“Hi,” Isak said nervously.

“Hi!” Mahdi said. “Is this your first day back?”

Isak nodded and Jonas smiled sympathetically.

“We are here for you man,” he said and Mahdi nodded silently in confirmation.

Isak tried to smile but while he appreciated his friends’ support he still felt anxious. He had only just arrived, but it still felt like there were groups of people turning around and staring at him. He could feel their gazes burning holes in his back already.

“They are not going to stare forever,” Jonas said. “They are probably just glad to see you again. We all are and we all have your back.”

“Yeah,” Isak said. “Maybe.”

Mahdi looked like he wanted to add something, but he kept quiet and just looked between Isak and Jonas. Isak took a deep breath. It was time for him to leave to find his classroom.

“I guess I should go,” Isak said. “But I’ll see you guys around.”

“Yeah, man” Mahdi said. “Of course.”

“Just text me if you need me,” Jonas said and smiled again. “I’ll see you after school, right?”

Isak nodded, let Jonas give him a quick hug, and readjusted his backpack before he left his friends at the table and walked towards the entrance. Never in his life had walking across the courtyard felt as intimidating but he focused on just looking straight ahead and keep walking in a steady pace. He passed a group of first years who looked uncertain and nervous about what to do and spotted a tall girl with short brown hair giving him a small smile as he walked by them.

It didn’t take him long to find the right classroom and he took a seat at the very back. It felt unreal being back here knowing that all his friends he used to share classes with were moving on with year two while he was repeating his first year.

After a few meetings with the teachers they had reached the conclusion that it was the only way for Isak. He had missed too much of school to find a way to start his second year. His dad had agreed that it was the best decision and Isak felt like the decision had been made over his head. No one had really asked him what he wanted to do so here he was. At least no one really knew who he was here. These were all new people that didn’t know his history.

“Hi, is this seat taken?”

Isak looked up and found the girl from earlier standing next to the table.

“No,” he said. “I mean sit down.”

“Cool,” the girl said and sat down next to him. “I’m Emma by the way.”

“Isak,” Isak answered.

-

His first day back wasn’t too bad after all. The teachers were all sympathetic about his situation and Emma was friendly enough to chat with even if she was a little too excited and her perfume a little too strong. He was thankful to have someone to talk to and it turned out they shared a few of their classes together.

Isak met up with Jonas, Magnus and Mahdi for lunch and felt glad that their schedules matched at least a few days a week. As they sat by their favourite table he spotted Emma walking into the cafeteria with two of her friends. She waved at him from across the room enthusiastically.

“Who is that?” Magnus asked curiously and immediately both Mahdi and Jonas looked up, matching smiles of curiosity growing on their faces.

All three of them looked at Emma.

“A girl I met in class,” Isak said as he dug into his salad.

It was bland and tasteless but his dad was strict with his diet and forced Isak to eat everything from the doctor’s approved list and had banned everything that the doctor had deemed risky. The truth was that he had been recommended a regular healthy diet  but Terje was obsessing over it as if certain food would instantly kill him. Isak supposed he could eat whatever he wanted in school since his dad was not there to monitor him but he ate the salad nonetheless. He didn’t have much of an appetite anyway.

“She is hot,” Magnus commented.

“I guess,” Isak said with a forced smirk.

He couldn’t very well say that he wasn’t at all interested in her looks. He supposed she was objectively good looking and attractive with long lean legs and big brown eyes. Maybe if he tried to get to know her better.

“She looks like Natalie Portman,” Mahdi continued. “You are so lucky, bro.”

“Lucky?” Magnus snorted. “He wouldn’t stand a chance with her. He is too ugly. I mean she is the hottest girl in year one. She probably only dates 20-year-old models anyway”

Isak let his gaze trail off around the cafeteria. Most students were eating and chatting among themselves. A few girls from year two were looking at him but apart from that most students didn’t pay any attention to him at all. A lot of them seemed to be first years anyway. Then he spotted a guy he had never seen before sitting by a table. He looked too old to be a first year, more likely a third year but Isak could swear he had never seen him before. If he had he was sure he would have noticed him because he was hot and Isak caught himself staring embarrassingly. He only forced his gaze away when the guy looked up and briefly looked back at Isak with a small smile.

“Vilde is arranging a party to celebrate the new school year,” Magnus said excitedly. “We should all go.”

“If it is anything like last weekend it is going to be wild,” Mahdi filled in and Isak tried his best to hide his discomfort.

He knew they didn’t mean to exclude him but he couldn’t help but feel a little left out. He hadn’t attended the party they were talking about and he wasn’t really keen on going to another one where he wouldn’t be able to drink or smoke weed with his friends. It had been like this the whole summer and it wasn’t the first time Isak had to listen to his friends talking about parties they had all attended or things they had done when Isak was still recovering from his surgery.

“You are coming too, right?” Magnus said and looked at him expectantly. “You have to. It will be amazing and everyone will be there.”

“Maybe,” Isak sighed.

Jonas gave him a look of concern. One that Isak knew way too well. Nowadays he always looked at Isak like that. Just like his dad did and everyone else Isak knew. Like he was broken. It wasn’t Jonas’ fault of course. After all he had been by Isak’s side through everything and Isak knew that it had been too much for Jonas to bear. Isak’s dad wasn’t the only one who had lost weight over Isak after all.

“We could just stay in and play Fifa and watch movies though,” Jonas said and smiled gently.

The others nodded quietly but Isak could tell that they would much rather go to a party and hook up with girls. He didn’t blame them. Just because he wasn’t supposed to drink, or smoke didn’t mean that they had to stop too.

“You should go,” Isak said. “I’ll probably just stay at home...”

“Are you sure?” Magnus asked. “Vilde said everyone would be there. Probably that girl, Emma too. Since it is at Eva’s house she will probably invite penetrator Chris as well.”

Isak drifted off again and found himself looking over to where the guy had sat earlier. Sadly the table was now occupied by a group of girls. With a sigh he stabbed a cherry tomato with his fork and put it in his mouth.

“Dude,” Magnus commented. “It must suck to have to eat all healthy salads and stuff.”

Jonas rolled his eyes and Mahdi sighed. Isak pretended that the comment didn’t hurt at all.

“What?” Magnus asked dumbly.

“At least I’ll be better looking than you,” Isak said. “But that’s not hard.”

-

The rest of the day went just like the morning. Isak attended his classes with little enthusiasm and made no effort in trying to get to know anyone new. Beside Emma he really didn’t talk to anyone else. His last class was maths which he happened to share with Emma. Immediately when she spotted him she went over to his table and sat down next to him.

“Hi,” she said just as brightly as in the morning.

“Hey,” Isak muttered and covered his mouth with his hand as he yawned.

They didn’t do much the first lesson. The teacher went through the course book and they took a small test just so that the teacher could get an idea of the level of the class. Maths wasn’t Isak’s strongest subject but it wasn’t his worst either. And he had already taken this course once so it wasn’t all new to him. He completed the text without much difficulty but beside him he noticed Emma struggling. She looked frustrated, unsure and rushed through the final couple of questions. When the teacher went around and collected everyone’s answers she let out a frustrated sigh and looked at Isak.

“I’m so bad at maths,” she complained. “And this wasn’t even a real test.”

Isak smiled teasingly, remembering that he was supposed to prove something to the boys. He wasn’t going to let her know that he had already taken this class before, though. He would just let her believe that he was a genius.

“Yeah I could tell,” he smirked.

“Stop,” she said with a tint of blush to her cheeks. “I bet you are good at maths. You finished way before me.”

“I’m alright,” Isak said nonchalantly.

“I’m useless,” Emma said. “But maybe you can teach me?”

“Maybe…” Isak said slowly. “Just thinking what’s in it for me? What do I get out of it?”

Emma laughed and playfully hit his arm before the both of them turned their attention back to what the teacher was saying. When the lesson ended a little while later Isak hurried to put his things into his backpack and get ready to go home. He couldn’t wait to get out of here. As he walked out of the classroom Emma caught up with him.

Together the two of them walked towards the exit. Emma was chatting but Isak was only listening half-heartedly. In his mind he was already in bed.

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” Emma said once the two of them were outside and she spotted one of her friends. “Bye Isak!”

Isak watched her leave just as Magnus and Jonas walked up to him. Magnus looked after her and then back to Isak.

“You seem to get along well,” Jonas commented.

Isak shrugged.

“We shared some classes during the day,” he said. “She’s nice!”

“So fucking unfair,” he exclaimed. “I can’t believe your luck, man. It’s your first day and you’re already friends with the hottest girl in school. Why does that never happen to me?”

“Maybe you just don’t have any game,” Isak teased playfully, thinking that he had no real interest in being Emma’s friend. Or anything else for that matter.

Magnus grimaced.

“I just wished Vilde would notice me,” he said dreamingly. “I mean we talked at the last party but I don’t know if she is interested in me. She is so pretty though!”

Isak smiled sympathetically.

“Do you want to do something?” Jonas asked once Magnus had left and Isak followed Jonas towards his bike. “We could go back to mine and play video games. I’m sure mom would love to have you for dinner?”

Isak shook his head. He just didn’t really feel up to doing anything but go home and lie in bed all night. He wasn’t going to be good company anyway.

“You sure?” Jonas asked and looked at Isak worriedly. “Is everything okay?”

“Yeah,” Isak sighed, hating the look on Jonas’ face. “I’m fine. I just need to go home. But I’ll see you tomorrow!”

“Okay,” Jonas said. “But you can talk to me if you need me.”

Isak nodded quietly and Jonas smiled before he continued.

“At least think about the party on Friday. Everyone will be there. If you want to I can stay sober too. We don’t have to stay long either. Afterwards we can have a sleepover.”

“There’s no point in you not drinking just because I can’t,” Isak said.

“Isak…”

“I’ll think about it!” Isak interrupted before Jonas could argue further.

“Are you sure everything is okay?” Jonas asked again.

“Yeah, things are just a little weird at home,” Isak mumbled. “And with mom,”

It wasn’t exactly a lie but it wasn’t the whole truth either and it definitely wasn’t why Isak felt so down and out of tune. Even he didn’t know the answer to that. All he knew was that he wasn’t happy.

-

The apartment was empty when he got home and Isak knew his dad would not be home for a few hours. Just like he had promised he had left Isak some extra money that sat on the kitchen table. Isak put the money in his room and opened the fridge. It didn’t contain much that he could cook something out of. At least not with his limited skills, and he didn’t really feel like cooking anyway. He should probably use the money he had gotten to order something from one of those places his dad had collected menus from. After a few minutes of reading through them he decided to just eat some milk and cereal. Maybe boil a couple of eggs. He was going to use that money for something else.

At 19.00 his phone went off with his second alarm for the day telling him it was time to take his immunosuppressant medication again. He got off the couch and into the bathroom where he grabbed the pills and swallowed them with some water. He took the pills twice a day, once in the morning and once in the evening in order to suppress his body’s immune system. To keep it from rejecting and attacking the new heart he had received four months ago.

_He remembered waking up from the surgery a day after it had happened._

_It was terrifying waking up in a room full of machines, tube still in his throat to help him breathe. The first person he noticed was Jonas. Sitting to his right. Holding his right hand. He was wearing protective clothes and even his hands were covered in gloves. Even behind the mask on Jonas’ face Isak could see the smile on Jonas’ face. His eyes were tear-filled and Isak couldn’t stop his own tears from falling down his cheeks._

_“Hey,” Jonas whispered._

_To his left his parents were both looking at him through their own tears. The grip on his left hand was tight and his mother’s fingernails dug into his skin painfully. Still he turned his head in their direction and blinked at them tiredly. His dad rested his hand on Isak’s shoulder. It was the first time Isak had seen him cry._

_“You are going to be alright,” he said and stroked Isak’s cheek gently._

_His fingers where rough but his touch softer than Isak had ever experienced before. Isak’s mother just sobbed loudly and Isak couldn’t help but feel overwhelmed._

_A few hours later the tube had been removed and Isak could breathe on his own. Assisted only by a thin cannula in his nose. For the first time in forever it didn’t feel like he was dying._

Isak spent the rest of the night watching several episodes of Narcos in his room. His dad got home late and just peeked inside Isak’s room to let him know he was back and say goodnight. Isak could hear Terje move around in the kitchen but he waited until he knew his dad had disappeared into his office for another couple of hours of work before Isak himself went into the bathroom to get ready for bed. It was already past midnight but Isak knew his dad would be up for at least two more hours.

Isak himself spent a long time awake after going to bed. Thousands of thoughts went around in his head as he tried to process his first day back. It hadn’t been all bad of course. He still had been able to see his old friends, after all. In between classes he had hung out with the boys and even talked to Eva and Vilde for a little bit. And he had made one friend, sort of. Emma was nice, sort of and kind of pretty. At least that was what Jonas, Mahdi and Magnus thought. Then his mind did the unforgivable and travelled towards the guy Isak had spotted in the canteen. Isak couldn’t help but feel intrigued by him. Couldn’t help but wanting to know more.

He could feel the shame burn inside him at what this guy made him feel. It shouldn’t be like this. He shouldn’t be like this. His mother’s consistent texts of bible verses certainly worked as a reminder for him. They always felt like a slap to his face. Because she didn’t know who he was. What he was. If she did Isak was sure she was going to reject him forever.

-

The rest of the week went by slowly. His classes felt boring and meaningless and at home things continued to be tense and awkward between him and his dad. Terje tried and tried but Isak just couldn’t forgive. He just accepted that he had to live there, and tried his best to avoid any kind of interaction with his dad. He spent most of his time in his room and the only time the two of them really hung out was to eat dinner in front of the TV.

“You have to come to the party tomorrow,” Magnus said during their lunch break on Thursday.

He was eating with the boys as usual. Emma was sitting with her own friends a few tables away, looking in his direction curiously. They still sat together in every class they shared, all on Emma’s initiative.

The boys hadn’t stopped talking about the party at all and even Eva had invited him herself the other day. Isak still didn’t feel like going, despite the promises the boys had made to not drink and stay away from weed. He didn’t want to see people and dreaded being ambushed by questions from people that meant well but just didn’t understand that Isak wanted to be left alone.

“You should totally ask Emma too,” Magnus continued. “And have her invite her friends.”

“Yeah,” Mahdi said enthusiastically.

Isak realised they wouldn’t stop nagging about it especially not when he was their key to get to hang out with hot year one girls.              

“Fine, I’ll go,” he sighed. “And I’ll invite Emma and her friends too”

“Sweet,” Mahdi commented.

“My parents are going away so we could probably pre-party at my place,” Jonas filled in.

-

Emma was delighted when Isak invited her during their next class together. Isak forced his most charming smile on his face as he gave her Eva’s address and let her know the details of the party.

“You are friends with her, right?” she asked. “And those boys you’ve been sitting with at lunch. They are from year 2 as well?”

“Uh, yeah,” Isak said and focused on the book in front of him.

“How do you know them?” she continued curiously. “I mean you are not the same year as them, yet you are hanging out with them a lot.”

Isak rubbed at his face tiredly. So far none of his new classmates seemed to know that he was retaking year one and he had planned to keep it that way as long as possible to avoid any questions. He was sure that rumours would appear soon enough anyway, and with them questions that he didn’t want to answer.

“Yeah I know Jonas from when we were kids,” he explained. “We grew up together.”

“Oh cool,” Emma said. “You can probably get us invited to lots of cool parties then.”

“Sure,” Isak said.

-

The boys were nowhere to be found and Isak suspected they were smoking somewhere. He could probably go and find them but he didn’t really feel like it. Of course they hadn’t kept their promise to not drink or smoke. Isak wasn’t surprised even if he was secretly disappointed in all three of them. So much for their promises. Jonas had stayed sober longer than Mahdi and Magnus but eventually he had given in and now he was wasted. Isak was painfully sober, still nursing his non-alcoholic beer. He missed was the fogginess in his head. Everything was just too clear at the moment and he wished he could just drink to forget about everything.

He spotted Eva and Penetrator Chris standing in the other part of the room. He had his arm around her waist and whispered something in her ear. Eva waved happily in Isak’s direction, obviously drunk as well. Isak waved back before his eyes travelled around the room. It felt like half of Nissen was here. The music was loud and the floor filled with people dancing, singing and screaming. The coffee table was filled with bottles and glasses and the rug was stained with red wine.

Once he stepped into the kitchen he saw Sana standing by the kitchen sink, drinking a glass of water. She smiled when she spotted him.

“Hi, Isak” she said.

“Hey…” he said hesitantly and looked down at his feet.

“How are you?” she asked gently.

“I’m okay,” he said and took a few sips of his beer to finish it before he put the bottle upside down in the sink. “How are you?”

“I’m good,” she said.

“That’s nice,” Isak said. “Look I should probably go find Jonas, but I guess I’ll see you around…”

“Yeah, I need to find Vilde and Chris too,” Sana said. “Sometimes it sucks being the sober friend.”

Isak smiled and chuckled slightly.

“Yeah it does,” he said.

When he turned around to leave Sana called after him and he stopped in the doorway and looked back at her.

“It’s really nice to see you well again,” she said, looking almost shy about it. “I really mean it. I know we are not really friends but I do care about you!”

Isak smiled.

“Thanks,” he said before he left the kitchen.

He took his phone out of his pocket and noticed a few missed texts from Emma wondering if he was there yet. He figured he was going to pop into her sooner or later anyway, so he just put his phone back into his pocket and went to find Jonas and the boys.

It didn’t take long before he found them in the upstairs bathroom. The room reeked of weed and all three of them were sitting in the bathtub smoking from a homemade bong.

Isak didn’t even have the energy to complain about them smoking despite promising they would hang out with him.

“Isak, hey” Magnus called out happily. “You found us,”

“Yeah,” Isak said. “I just followed the smell of weed. And the smoke signals kind of gave you away.”

“Fuck, Eva is going to kill us,” Jonas muttered.

“She is busy hooking up with Chris,” Isak said. “Anyway I’m going to leave.”

“Really?” Jonas said. “Do you want me to come with you?”

Isak shook his head.

“No, I’ll be fine. I’ll talk to you tomorrow,”

Isak left just as Jonas and Mahdi began fighting about who was going to hide the rest of the weed.

He found his shoes and jacket after about five minutes of searching and stepped out of the door before getting dressed. It felt nice leaving the house, and the air was fresh and crisp in comparison to inside. Just as he was about the walk down the stairs to the porch he noticed someone sitting at the bottom step. The person turned around when they  heard Isak move behind them and Isak’s heart skipped a beat. It was the guy from the canteen and he was even hotter than Isak remembered him.

“Hey,” the guy said.

“Hi,” Isak managed forcing his eyes from the boy.

“Want to have a cigarette?” the boy said and held out a pack towards Isak.

Isak stared at the outstretched arm. At the bare skin with tiny goosebumps and the veins on the back of the guy’s hand.

“I’m pretty sure smoking kills you,” he blurted out and could feel his cheeks heat up instantly.

Thankfully it was already dark outside so hopefully the guy wouldn’t notice. The guy chuckled slightly.

“I guess you are right,” he said and brought a cigarette to his mouth and lit it.

Isak walked down the last few steps and sat down next to the boy.

“Some party, huh?” the boy said and looked at Isak.

“I guess,” Isak said.

“Do you know the host?”

“Eva? Yeah, we went to Grefsen together so we know each other pretty well. Or used to, I guess. She also dated my best friend..”

“Cool,” was all the boy said.

Neither of them said anything in a while. The boy continued to smoke and Isak just sat next to him, breathing in the smoke the guy blew in his direction. His dad was probably going to kill him later if he found out Isak was letting himself be exposed to passive smoking but right now he didn’t give a fuck about that.

“You are new here right?” he said. “I mean at Nissen,”

The guy nodded.

“Yeah, I transferred from Bakka, actually.”

“So you are in third year?” Isak asked.

“Yeah,” they guy said. “I’m probably the only third year here and most likely the oldest.”

“Well Penetrator Chris finished school this spring so you are certainly not the oldest,” Isak said with a small smile.

The guy laughed.

“Penetrator Chris is a very stupid nickname. Sounds a bit pompous, right? I bet he came up with it himself too,”

“His Russ group called themselves the penetrators, so…” Isak said with a laugh.

“So a group of pompous teenagers, then,” the guy said. “Even worse,”

“You know that makes you sound a little pompous,” Isak teased.  

“It does not,” the guy protested and nudged Isak’s arm.

Isak was just about to reply when he heard a shrill voice coming from his right. It was Emma who was walking around the garden coming from the back of the house.

“Isak,” she said loudly. “You didn’t reply to my texts. I’ve been looking for you for ages.”

“Oh,” Isak said. “Sorry!”

He looked between her and they boy and wished she would just go away. He didn’t want to talk to her.

“Can’t we go inside?” Emma asked. “It’s cold out here. She was wearing a tank top with thin straps and kept rubbing her arms. “We could take a shot or something. I have vodka.”

“I…” Isak started, faking a cough to win himself some more time.

He really didn’t want to go inside with Emma. He would much rather stay here with the guy he didn’t even know the name of. But Emma was looking at him expectantly.

“Actually, Isak was going to show me the closest bus stop,” the guy lied. “I’m the worst when it comes to directions.”

“Uh yeah,” Isak said. “I already promised and I was thinking of going home too.”

Emma’s face fell.

“Oh,” she said.

“But I’ll see you in school,” Isak said.

“Yeah,” Emma mumbled before she struggled past them and walked inside the house.

The guy smiled as the door closed behind her and he put the cigarette out against the porch and put it back into his pocket.

“I should get going,” he said. “Maybe you can follow me to the bus stop?” he smirked and raised an eyebrow.

With that he stood up and began walking. Isak quickly followed him and the two of them began walking in the direction of the bus stop.

“I’m Even by the way,” they guy said.

_Even_


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow I did not expect the amazing feedback on the beginning of the story. You are so amazing, all of you. Thank you thank you thank you <3 All your kind comments and the kudos you've left makes me so motivated and happy. I'm so happy that you seem to like it so far and I can only hope I won't disappoint you with the rest of the story.

Isak woke up around ten the next day to his phone buzzing on the nightstand. He took his time stretching out in bed before he reached out and grabbed his phone. He wasn’t surprised to see several missed texts from the groupchat with the boys. He took the pillows and propped himself up against the wall.

**Mahdi 02:19**  
Shit I just got home!

**Magnus 02:23**  
Yeah me too. Fuck  
I didn’t expect the police to  
show up.  
  
**Mahdi 02:23**  
I heard someone stole  
Eva’s TV  
  
**Magnus 02:24**  
Seriously?! That’s  
fucked up  
  
**Mahdi 02:26**  
I need to sleep now!  
I’m so drunk. I almost  
woke up my mom.  
  
**Magnus 02:26**  
I’m going to be fucked  
tomorrow. I hope Jonas has  
the weed.  
  
**Jonas 09:48**  
I have it! Fuck that  
was close. I just talked to  
Eva. Her house is trashed :(  
Her mom is going to kill her!  
  
**Mahdi 09:48**  
Oh! Yeah I thought  
the police was going to find  
it. But poor Eva!

**Jonas 09:49**  
Yeah I said I was  
going to help her clean up!  
  
**Magnus 09:49**  
Fuck I just woke up.  
I’m so hungover I feel  
like I’m going to die.

It seemed that Isak had missed the major drama of the party. He couldn’t help but feel sorry for Eva, though.

**Isak 09:53**  
Poor Eva! Can’t believe I  
Missed the police though.

Magnus 09:53  
You missed the drama, bro!  
It was crazy! Someone stole  
Eva’s TV.

**Isak 09:54**  
Yeah, I saw. Jonas do  
you think she wants me  
to come over and help?

**Jonas 09:57**  
I think she would appreciate  
all the help she can get  
  
**Magnus 09:58**  
I’m too hungover :(  
  
**Mahdi 10:02**  
I’m still drunk to be honest:/

Isak put his phone on the mattress beside him, decided it was time to get out of bed. If he didn’t his dad was going to come in soon and remind him that he couldn’t sleep away the whole day, as if Isak had a bunch of things he should be doing. He got dressed in the jeans from last night and a t-shirt that didn’t stink of weed and smoke, before he headed to the bathroom. He should probably take a shower but he figured it could wait until he came back from Eva’s so he just took his medication before he went to the kitchen to eat breakfast.

His dad was sitting at the table, drinking a cup of coffee and reading the newspaper on his Ipad just like he always did on weekends.

“Good morning,” he said when Isak entered the room.

“Morning!” Isak said.

“There is some orange juice in the fridge,” Terje commented. “And I boiled some eggs for you!”

“Uh thanks,” Isak muttered.

He really wasn’t in a mood to enjoy a long breakfast with his dad as if they were a happy family.

“I was thinking I could drop you off at your mother’s,” Terje said without looking at Isak.

“No, thanks!” Isak said and filled a glass with juice and grabbed an egg from the bowl on the counter.

Terje sighed and shook his head in disapproval and Isak had to brace himself for the lecture he was about to have.

“You need to visit her, Isak” Terje said. “She misses you a lot, you know!”

“But you don’t?” Isak retorted and looked straight at his dad.

“We are divorced, Isak. You know that.”

“Yeah I forgot she is not your responsibility anymore,” Isak spat. “You just expect me to deal with her all the time but you never want to do it yourself.”

“She is your mother,” Terje said. “And I did what I could, okay. For her. I know you feel like I left her but what was I supposed to do? I couldn’t do anything for her. We weren’t a good match and you know it.”

“Because she is fucking crazy?” Isak said.

“Don’t call her that…” Terje started but before he continued Isak interrupted him.

“Why not? It is the truth,” he said.

Terje let out a tired sigh which was followed by a heavy, tense silence between the two of them.

“Just think about it, please? Maybe we could have lunch all three of us. It would mean a lot to me. And to her. We don’t do anything together.”

Isak had to bite his tongue to keep himself from saying something even more hurtful. He was still angry at the both of them for how things had turned out. All their fights, his mother’s meltdown, the long nights of insomnia because he was anxious and scared that things were going to fall apart. But maybe he blamed himself for what happened and for his mother’s craziness. After all it all went downhill when he got sick.

“Well I don’t want to see her,” Isak said through gritted teeth. “Besides I’m busy today.”

“Oh, okay,” Terje said, clearly resigned.

He took another sip of coffee before he returned to reading the newspaper. The tension remained in the kitchen while Isak ate his egg and mindlessly browsed through Instagram. A lot of pictures had been posted from the party. Isak liked Magnus’ from the pre-party and Jonas’ selfie from Eva’s bathroom.

-

Isak showed up at Eva’s an hour later. Jonas was already there and so were the girls. They had already managed to clear the living room of bottles and glasses and Sana was hoovering the floor while Eva was down on her knees scrubbing viciously at the rug, trying to get the stains out.

“Hi,” Isak said.

“Hey,” Sana said.

Eva barely looked up from the rug as she muttered a small hello. Their friendship wasn’t what it used to be. They never went for coffee, just the two of them, or talked to each other on Skype or even on Messenger. Isak missed that but he knew it was his fault that things had ended up like this. He was the reason she and Jonas broke up. He messed with their relationship because he was jealous of her and couldn’t take them being so happy together when he was dying inside. He was a sixteen-year-old boy with a failing heart, a crazy mother and a broken family. A boy who was in love with his best friend who didn’t love him back.  

He and Eva had made up of course, but it wasn’t the same and it probably never would again. She had visited him a few times when he was in hospital but the visits had been short and laced with awkwardness. Isak wondered if she somehow knew that it wasn’t her he was in love with. Isak had spent most of spring trying to get over his crush on Jonas. He had tried to convince himself that rejection was the ultimate turn-off so that when he woke up from the surgery to Jonas holding his hand he wouldn’t be in love with him anymore.

“I’m so screwed,” Eva exclaimed. “Mom just bought this rug. I’ve tried everything, and it’s not working.”

“Is there anything I can do?” Isak asked awkwardly and looked from Eva to Sana.

Sana sighed.

“You can go help Jonas in the kitchen. Or Vilde and Chris upstairs,” she said.

Jonas was loading the dishwasher. The whole counter was loaded with clean glasses waiting to be put in the cupboards, and the sink was full of dirty ones ready for the dishwasher. Someone had hung a huge black plastic bag on one of the chairs and it looked almost full of empty bottles and cans.

“Hey,” Isak said.

“Hi,” Jonas said. “You made it after all. I was starting to think you were going to bail on us.”

“Hey to be fair I had nothing to do with this mess,” Isak said with a small smile “ I left before things got out of hand.”

Jonas continued stacking the dirty dishes in the dishwasher and Isak put all the clean ones back into the cupboard.

“Did you have a good time yesterday?” Jonas asked after a couple of minutes of silence.

Isak shrugged. He didn’t really know what to say. He hadn’t had the best time honestly. Not before he met Even at least.

“It was fine, I guess” he said.

“We could do something tonight though, we could order Thai food and play Fifa,” Jonas said. “I don’t think me or the boys will want any alcohol for a while…”

“Yeah, sure!” Isak said. “Sounds good. I could probably ask dad if we could stay at his place. I’m sure he won’t mind.”

Isak already knew that Terje would say yes. He would do anything to try to get on Isak’s good side and even if Isak didn’t plan on playing happy family anytime soon he was definitely going to use it to his advantage. Besides, Terje had always loved Jonas.  

“Sweet,” Jonas commented just as Sana came into the kitchen.

“We are almost done, and Vilde and Chris are finishing up upstairs so you could probably leave if you want to. I’m going to help Eva with the rug but yeah. It was nice of you to help.”

Jonas and Isak said goodbye to Eva before the two of them left. It felt a little weird to walk through the neighbourhood the two of them grew up in. Isak’s childhood home was a ten minute walk away from here but now someone else lived there.

“Do you want to grab lunch?” Isak said as the two of them passed the bus stop.

“Yeah, sure,” Jonas said.

-

“Are you sure you should eat kebab?” Jonas said with a small frown.

They had just gotten off the bus and as they passed the kebab place Isak made the suggestion to eat there. He hadn’t had a kebab in ages and he really wanted one as stupid as it was. Isak ate really healthy most of the time. Mostly because his dad bought only good things and kept a strict eye on Isak when he was at home. But also because Isak wanted to do anything he could to stay healthy. But he was also a teenage boy who used to live off pizza, kebab and nachos. He wanted to be able to be that person without people interfering and reminding him that he was not.

“Are you my dad now?” Isak snapped, causing Jonas to flinch. “Eating junk food every once in a while is not going to kill me. Just because my dad is an obsessive control freak you don’t have to be.”

“Sorry,” Jonas said sincerely. “I… I didn’t mean it like that. I’m just looking out for you. I’m sorry. We can totally have a kebab.”

Isak’s face fell. He didn’t mean to snap at Jonas. He was just fed up with the constant nagging and monitoring and he just wanted to feel normal. That was all he wanted. He knew he should be happy and grateful, which he was, but he also wanted his old life back. Before he got sick. Before he had to worry about everything.

“It’s just…I have a lot of things on my plate,” he said and cringed. “With my parents and stuff.”

Jonas smiled sympathetically

“How’s your mom?” Jonas asked.

They rarely talked about Isak’s parents and most definitely not his mother but Jonas always reminded him that Isak could talk to him if he wanted to.

Isak shrugged.

“Well you can always come and stay with us for a few days,” Jonas offered.

He said goodbye to Jonas an hour later and headed back to his dad’s place. His dad wasn’t home but Isak wasn’t surprised. Terje was usually away during weekends. Isak sent him a text to let him know that Jonas would be coming over later and plunged down on the couch.

He opened his Facebook app and typed the name Even into the search bar. With only a first name it was a little difficult but after going through fifteen Facebook profiles without finding the right one he gave up. Instead he made a failed attempt on Instagram. His Even was just nowhere to be found. He looked through Emma’s Instagram instead, trying to find things about her that he found attractive. She had posted a few new pictures too and he ended up liking all of them before putting his phone away with a sigh.

-

“Oh yeah, I saw Emma at the party on Friday. Did you two hang out?”

It was Monday and Isak was having lunch with the boys again. He hadn’t done much during the rest of the weekend, just spent most of Sunday in his room.

“Yeah, know, I didn’t hang out with her much,” Isak said. “We ran into each other when I was leaving though.”

“Fuck, I really thought you were going to hook up,” Magnus said. “Why wouldn’t you?”

Isak forced himself to smile.

“Sorry to disappoint you,” he said. “Anyway, did you have any luck?”

“No but I talked to Vilde,” Magnus exclaimed happily and Isak was glad that the focus shifted from him and Emma. “She added me on Snapchat, too. And she invited us to a party next week.”

Isak tuned out again and made another search for Even’s Facebook profile on his phone. He had tried almost all social media platforms, but nothing had showed up. He felt a little disappointed about it and so far he hadn’t spotted Even in school either. He did spot Emma though and as usual she waved at him happily.

“Why don’t you invite her to sit with us?” Mahdi asked. “If I were you I would definitely not miss out.”

“I don’t know,” Isak said. “She’s just a lot. And I see her all the time in class.”

The other three looked at him as if he was crazy to turn down an opportunity to hang out with her and Isak had to bite the inside of his cheek to keep himself from rolling his eyes.

-

Isak’s next class was Biology which happened to be one of his favourite subjects. Of course he also shared the class with Emma. She was already in the classroom when he entered and reluctantly he sat down next to her.

“Hi,” she said.

“Hey,” he muttered and opened his bag to take out his books and a pen.

“It was nice seeing you on Friday,” Emma said.

“Uh, yeah,” Isak replied.

“Are you doing something this Friday?” Emma asked. “Me and a few friends are going to a party. You should come. You can bring your friends too.”

“Yeah, maybe!” Isak said trying not to sound too uninterested.

“I didn’t know you used to be in the same year as them,” Emma continued and Isak could feel himself tense up slightly. “But then I talked to a girl at the party and she said you had to retake because you were really sick. That must suck so much. Like you probably think these classes are so boring and easy.”

“I guess,” Isak said and looked away from her and bit his lip uncomfortably.

Emma didn’t seem to notice his discomfort because she continued speaking.

“The girl, I think her name is Vilde, said that you had a heart condition but that you got a new heart. Is it true?”

Isak nodded quietly and looked at Emma again. She looked very impressed by the fact that he had someone else's heart in his chest.

“Wow. That’s kind of amazing” she said as her eyes travelled towards his chest as if she was about the see his new heart greet her through his hoodie. “It’s a good thing that you got a new heart,” she added kindly and smiled towards Isak. “I’m really happy about it!”

Isak didn’t reply but moved uncomfortably in his chair. He really didn’t like her staring and he really didn’t like to talk about it as something cool and amazing. Everyone expected him to walk around feeling constantly happy and grateful for being alive when he had come so close to dying. The truth was that Isak rarely felt happy. He felt anxious and worried that something would go wrong. He felt guilty that someone else had to die so that he could live and that the heart in his chest wasn’t his own. It wasn’t cool. It wasn’t amazing. It wasn’t a miracle.

_“It’s a miracle. I prayed for a miracle and God answered my prayers. God loves you Isak and he decided to bless you with a new heart.”_

_His mother’s hold on his hand was too tight and it almost hurt him. It was three days after the surgery and Isak felt overwhelmed by everything that had happened. His chest still hurt but he was healing nicely and was allowed to sit in the armchair by the window. So far everything had gone alright and in a few days he would be moved from the ICU._

_“God did this. He answered our prayers.” Marianne repeated more to herself than to anyone else but Isak heard it and it made him feel uncomfortable. He wanted her to go home and leave him alone but neither of his parents had left his side for more than a few minutes at a time._

_The longest they had left the room was when his friends had visited. Jonas had visited every day since he was practically Isak’s brother but yesterday Eva and Eskild had visited him only for a few minutes since he was not supposed to be exposed to any germs until he was stronger._

_“Maybe we should let Isak get some rest,” Terje suggested. “We could go grab something to eat.”_

_Marianne nodded but didn’t let go of Isak’s hand immediately. She was still mumbling to herself and Isak couldn’t look at her anymore._

_“We will be back soon, okay,” Terje said and gently guided Marianne towards the door._

_With that Isak was left alone. When the door closed behind him and Isak could see Terje help his ex-wife out of the protective gown she wore all while she kept talking to herself. It was enough to make his tears start streaming down his face._

_The nurse that came in minutes later gently rubbed his shoulder and asked him if he needed a dose of morphine._

-

The next time he saw Even was from across the courtyard. He was dressed in light denim Jeans and a baseball jacket, looking like fucking James Dean with his hair and a cigarette behind his ear. Isak followed him with his eyes as Even sat down next to his friends. He didn’t even notice how Emma approached him and the boys. Until Jonas caught his attention by hitting his arm softly.

“Dude,” he said, waking him from his trance.

“Hello,” Emma said cheerfully. “I was thinking of Friday. Is eight a good time? For the pre-party?”

“Uh, yeah about that…” Isak started and was just about the explain to Emma how he wasn’t in the mood for a party.

“Eight is perfect,” Mahdi interrupted and smiled in Emma’s direction. “Right, Isak?”

Emma smiled sweetly at him.

“Yeah, sure,” he said.

“Cool, I’ll text you,” she said before she turned around and walked back to her two friends.

“What’s wrong with you?” Mahdi said in disbelief. “You didn’t even tell us there was a party?”

Isak rolled his eyes.

“I forgot, okay! Besides I wasn’t going to go. Because you know, I can’t really drink so parties are not my thing…”

“But you could drink non-alcoholic beer, right?” Magnus said eagerly. “It’s stupid to turn down this and she is obviously into you. I have no idea why because she is a fucking ten and you are like, barely a seven. Come on, Isak, for us.”

Jonas gave Isak a sympathetic look, letting him know that he could back out if he wanted to.

“Fine,” Isak muttered. “But only if you buy me the beer!”

“Why does it have to be me?” Magnus protested. “Don’t you have your own money?”

“I do but I don’t want to spend my money on non-alcoholic beer. If you buy it I’ll join you.”

“Fine,” Magnus muttered. “I’ll buy you the damn beer!”

-

He had a doctor’s appointment on Friday morning so instead of going to school for his first class he took the tram to the hospital. His dad had told him he wouldn’t be able to make it due to an important meeting and had left for work before Isak woke up. So Isak went alone.  He should be old enough to go there by himself but even the frail comfort his dad brought him would be better than this. He never knew what would happen and even if it was now almost five months since the transplant he still didn’t feel used to these check-ups.

“Everything looks good,” his doctor, Ingrid,  concluded a little less than an hour later “You are doing very well. Do you have any questions, Isak?”

The middle aged woman looked at him with a small smile. They had seen each other so much during the last five months. At first several times a week and every other week and now once a month. She was nice and friendly.

“I don’t think so, no,” Isak said.

“I just have one more thing before you go,”  she said, looking more serious. “As you know donors and in this case relatives to donors don’t know who receives organs- Just like you don’t know anything about them. Some families go through different internet forums or facebook group if they wish to come into contact with the other part but that can be quite challenging. As you know organs may come from other countries within Europe.”

Isak nodded quietly. All he knew was that the donor had been someone around his age and size.

“I’ve been contacted by them through another doctor and they would like to contact you as part of their grieving process. Now it doesn’t necessarily mean you have to meet them unless you want to. It would all be anonymous to start off with and it would go through me.”

Now Isak more than anything wished he didn’t have to go through this alone. He wished he had someone here with him to help him make such a big decision. He didn’t know what he wanted to do.

Ingrid gave him another smile when she noticed how overwhelmed he was.

“You don’t have to decide right away,” she said. “You can take as long as you need and if you don’t want to that’s your decision. This is why we always make sure the contact is through us so it can be done on both persons’ terms.”

Isak nodded again.

“Okay, Isak!” she continued. “Remember you can call me whenever you want. If you have questions or if something happens.”

“Yeah, thank you,” he said.

He felt a little empty as he left the hospital and took the tram towards school. He hadn’t really thought about the idea of meeting the family to his donor. When he was still in hospital he had thought a lot about who the person might be or had been. At times these thoughts completely occupied his mind and he would be drowning in guilt.

He kept thinking about his doctor’s words during the rest of the day. At lunch he was distracted and barely listened to the boys chatting excitedly about the party with Emma and her friends. Jonas noticed of course. He always noticed everything about Isak these days. From the slightest changes in his mood to if he was tired or coughed. When they left the cafeteria, Jonas put his hand on Isak’s arm to stop him in the tracks and create some distance between the two of them and Magnus and Mahdi.

“Is everything okay?” he asked. “How did your appointment go? Is something wrong?”

“Yeah, everything is fine,” Isak said. “I just-”

He was interrupted when Magnus turned around and looked at them

“Hey, what are you guys doing, aren’t you coming?”

“I’ll tell you later,” Isak said.

-

He was on his way home in the afternoon when he noticed someone standing really close to him on the tram. When he looked up he noticed Even right next to him firing off a huge smile.

“Hello,” he said.

“Hello…” Isak said, smiling nervously.

Even was still smiling at him and Isak had to look away feeling all shy by Even’s presence. When he dared to look up again Even had stopped smiling but he still looked at Isak intensely.

“So…” Isak said but couldn’t come up with anything else to say.

“What?” Even smiled.

Isak smiled back.

“This is a nice conversation,” Even commented.

Isak could feel himself blush slightly.

“I’m getting off on the next stop,” Even said. “You should join me.”

When the tram stopped a minute later Isak followed Even outside and when he saw the tram leave he was filled with excitement. He had no idea what was about to happen but he was really excited about hanging out with Even.

“So do you live close here?” Isak asked as he followed Even down the street.

“No…” Even said. “I just felt like being a little adventurous. Ever gone sightseeing in your own town?”

“What?” Isak laughed. “No?”

Even turned around and smiled again.

“Let’s do it then!”

-

Sightseeing in Oslo with Even was a blast and Isak let Even take him wherever he wanted. They began in the harbour and the Opera house.

“Kind of cool, huh?” Even said and gestured towards the huge building in front of them.

“I guess,” Isak said with a small smile.

“Let’s just sit down for a little while,” Even suggested and led Isak towards the water.

They sat down on the floor side by side, so close their knees were almost touching. It was still kind of warm outside but by the water the wind was quite strong. Even took out his phone from his pocket and a couple of earphones, one which he gave to Isak. Isak took it with a small smile and put it in his ear.

“What music do you like to listen to?” Even asked and looked at Isak.

“Hip-hop,” Isak said. “Like N.W.A. I like to listen to it before school on the tram. It just makes you feel really cool about yourself.”

“Ever heard of Nas?” Even asked.

“Yeah, sure…” Isak lied but he could tell that Even didn’t believe him.

“Here…” Even said after a few seconds. “This is Nas!”

They listened to Nas, sharing Even’s headphones. It turned out Even wasn’t just a fan of Hip -hop but also alternative rock. It wasn’t music Isak usually listened to but now that Even played his favourite songs to them he really enjoyed it. Even smelled nice next to him even as he lit another cigarette and smoked it. Neither of them said anything and Even seemed deep into his own thoughts and his eyes rarely left the water in front of them. Isak didn’t mind the silence though. It was nice just being this close to Even.

“Do you wanna leave?” Even said after a few songs and Isak smiled.

“Yeah, you are the guide after all,” Isak joked.

“I guess!” Even laughed. “Come on then. We have just started. Are you hungry by the way? We should buy waffles or something. Or do you want a coffee?”

“Coffee and a waffle sounds amazing!” Isak said.

They began walking, leaving the harbour behind. After a while they bought waffles with Nutella from a small food truck which they ate as they continued walking. Isak could feel his phone buzz in his pocket a few times but he ignored it.

“So you are a second year?” Even asked.

“First actually!” Isak said, clearing his throat and looking down.

“Wow, so young,” Even teased. “That explains why you didn’t know Nas.”

“Fuck you, I had heard of him!” Isak said but couldn’t stop the smile from spreading on his face.

“Right…” Even said with a smirk.

“I’m actually repeating,” Isak confessed after a few seconds of silence. “A lot of stuff happened so I missed a lot…”

He didn’t elaborate any further and Even didn’t seem interested in prodding either. He just nodded and looked at Isak with a soft smile.

“I guess that makes it two of us…” he said and looked down at the ground.

“Oh…” Isak said.

“I guess a lot of stuff happened for me too,” Even offered.

Now he looked all sad again and Isak didn’t like the look at all. He much rather preferred watching Even smile and laugh.

“What are we going to do next?” he asked, trying to change subject. “I have high expectations from this sightseeing, you know, and I’m not sure anything can top this waffle.”

Even laughed.

“So are you ready for your next adventure?” he asked.

Isak nodded. He was so ready.

-

They walked around Oslo for a couple of hours just talking and buying coffees. Then they went on a sightseeing bus that basically took them around the whole of Oslo. Instead of listening to the speaker telling them all about the sightseeing spots they sat on the roof just talking. Even was easy to talk to and Isak couldn’t remember when he felt so relaxed. Not even with Jonas. Recently things just weren’t the same between them. But with Even he felt himself laugh louder than he had in months. He felt happy and careless in Even’s company and as the hours went by he realised that he rather spend his night with Even than go to that party with Emma and the boys. So as he waited for Even to finish in the bathroom at Kaffebrenneriet he texted Emma and the boys that he had changed his mind and would just stay home. He knew it was kind of a dick move to ditch them all just an hour in advance but he hadn’t even wanted to go in the first place. He put his phone on silence and put it back into his pocket just as Even walked out of the café and joined him on the street.

“Ready for one final stop?” he asked and smiled secretly.

“Now I’m curious,” Isak smiled.

“Good,” Even said and began walking with long steps.

Roughly 30 minutes later the two of them were heading up the track to Vettakollen, one of the peaks closest to the city. They had taken the tube there, sitting next to each other and once again listening to music on Even’s phone. Despite the peak being close and easily accessible, Isak couldn’t remember ever being here. It was beautiful though and the closer to the top they got the smaller the city behind them became.

“I love to come here,” Even whispered as the two of them sat watching the view from one of the benches. “To just watch the city from afar. Like it is so calm here and it is just you and your thoughts, and you can escape everything for just a couple of few minutes.”

“It’s really amazing,” Isak agreed.  

Even smiled.

“Do you have a spot you like to go to?” he asked, turning to look at Isak.

Isak took his time to answer and looked over the city and the water far, far away. He really didn’t have a place like this. He didn’t even like his own room or felt at home in his own house.

“No…” he said sadly. “I don’t.”

Even was quiet for a little while as he studied Isak’s face. Isak looked right back at him. It felt like it was just the two of them there, the rest of Oslo and all their worries down there. It was just the two of them until Even’s phone began ringing.

“Fuck,” Even swore as he looked at the screen. “I need to take this,”

He walked away from Isak and the bench before he accepted the call. Isak looked at him as he walked back and forth across the path as he talked with he person on the other end. He looked frustrated but Isak couldn’t hear what he was saying until he started walking back towards Isak.

“Yeah, I’ll see you later.  I’m on my way home now.”

Isak felt his heart sink in his chest with disappointment. He knew his night with Even would eventually come to an end but he just wanted to stay up here for a little while longer.

“So I gotta go,” Even said, rubbing his face.

“Yeah of course,” Isak said, trying his best to hide his disappointment. “Let’s hike back then.”

“Yeah…” Even said.

-

It took Isak almost an hour to get home. His dad was watching TV in the living room. He looked annoyed when Isak entered the room.

“Can you at least answer your phone?” he asked. “I texted you a long time ago and asked if you would be home for dinner!”

Isak sighed tiredly.

“Sorry,” he said “I have already eaten…”

“Yeah, I figured,” Terje said. “I ate too so…”

There was a moment of awkward silence when neither of them said anything. Terje returned his focus to the TV and Isak stood stupidly in the doorway until he decided he was just going to spend the rest of his night in his room.

“I’m going to my room,” he announced.

“Okay, good night, Isak!” his dad replied and turned around again.

A small smile appeared on his face. Isak didn’t return it.

“Good night,” he muttered instead, watching his dad’s weak smile falter on his face before he turned around and left.

When he was in the safety of his room again he finally took out his phone again. Just as he expected he had a few unread messages. Apart from the one from his dad he also had a few from the boys. Mahdi called him a traitor and Magnus was annoyed that he had wasted his money on beer that Isak wasn’t even going to drink. Jonas seemed worried though, asking if everything was alright. Just as Isak was about to answer a new message popped up on the screen.

**Unknown 21:12**  
Thanks for today!  
Easily the best  
sightseeing ever  
;)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Second chapter is out. I hope you liked it! It would mean a lot to me if you left a comment, letting me know what you think! 
> 
> Thank you so much for reading <3


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Another chapter is here!
> 
> Thank you for all your comments and kudos on the last chapter <3 I feel like a broken record but it does mean alot to me to get them :) Alot of things happen in this chapter and I really hope you will like it! 
> 
> Thank you Steffi for reading through and making improvements <3

Isak spent half of Saturday just texting back and forth with Even until Even had to go to his grandma’s place for lunch. It had already been an hour since Even’s last reply and Isak knew he should do something else than hope that Even would suddenly start answering again. He read through their whole conversation again, smiling slightly to himself as he looked at the memes and gifs the two of them had shared with each other during the last couple of hours.

With a sigh Isak got up from his bed and changed into his training clothes. The weather was nice outside and he could very well kill an hour running instead of just sitting inside waiting for Even to reply.

“I’m going for a run,” Isak called out to his dad who was sitting in his office, working on his computer.

Terje just muttered in response. He had been in there when Isak got up ages ago and Isak suspected he had been up for a couple of hours before Isak himself had woken up.

Before getting sick, Isak had never run or exercised apart from playing football until he was 15. He had never been the healthy type but now he was forced to live a somewhat healthy lifestyle which included eating healthy and exercising regularly. While Isak hated the food most of the time and missed the days when he could eat whatever he wanted without worrying, he did like running. It wasn’t so bad after all. He normally went out a few times a week just for half an hour to an hour each time. It was enough to clear his mind most of the time. Isak took his usual route through the neighbourhood, his usual playlist blasting in his ears.

His dad was still in his office by the time Isak arrived back home an hour later. Even had still not texted back but Isak knew he was probably still at his grandma’s. It was just a little after three in the afternoon anyway so there was still plenty of time for Even to reply.

In the bathroom Isak undressed himself and put his sweaty clothes in the hamper. He stood in front of the mirror for a little while, unable to not stare at his own reflection. The scar on his chest was a stark contrast to his pale skin. The scar tissue was bumpy and uneven underneath his fingers compared to his otherwise smooth skin as Isak ran his fingers on top of it. With a deep sigh he forced himself to look away from the mirror and stepped into the shower instead. He spent a long time standing under the hot spray of water, feeling a little empty inside.

-

He spent another couple of hours watching Narcos, silently hoping that Even would finally reply. He felt a little pathetic about it but the longer he had to wait the more paranoid he became. It had now been over four hours since Even last texted him and Isak was starting to think he had done or said something wrong. He hardly knew Even but the two of them had gotten along so well yesterday and then earlier today their conversation had just flown so naturally. But maybe that was just Isak. Just as he had given up the phone next to him buzzed with an incoming text and Isak threw himself at the phone and unlocked the screen with fumbly fingers.

 **Jonas 17:02**  
Waddup?

Isak threw his phone onto the bed in frustration and rolled onto his back. He took a few seconds to just stare at the ceiling and silently curse Jonas for daring to message him right now and letting him get his hopes up. After a minute or two he grabbed his phone and unlocked the screen again. Jonas’ text was still on the screen, staring at him.

 **Isak 17:04**  
Nothing! Just watching  
Narcos. You?

It took only a few seconds before Jonas started typing out an answer and Isak watched the screen until his reply came through.

 **Jonas 17:04**  
Just at home.  
Wanna do something?  
Just the two of us?

Isak knew that Jonas probably felt a little guilty about yesterday even if there was no reason for him to be. That was just the way Jonas worked around him. Either he was worried or he felt guilty for something. Their dynamics had changed so much over the past year.

 **Isak 17:06**  
Yeah sure. Wanna  
come over?

 **Jonas 17:06**  
I’ll be there in half  
an hour :)

-

“So, did you do anything yesterday?” Jonas asked casually as the two of them sat in the living room.

“I just stayed at home,” Isak lied, focusing on the TV in front of him.

He hated lying to Jonas, he really did. But he wasn’t ready for the truth either. He couldn’t tell Jonas about Even and the time they had spent together. He couldn't tell Jonas that he would rather spend his afternoon with Even than hook up with Emma at a party. He couldn't because this was not how Isak was supposed to be.

“Right…” Jonas said. “Did something happen that made you change your mind?”

Isak shrugged.

“Not really, I just felt like staying home,” he sighed and looked in Jonas’ direction who nodded slowly with a small frown on his face.

“Did it have to do with what you were going to tell me yesterday? Before Magnus interrupted?”

To be honest his afternoon and evening had made him completely forget about the doctor’s words. But now he remembered that he really wanted his best friend’s advice.

“Yeah, apparently the family to the donor wish to come in contact with me,” Isak said with a shrug.

“Oh,” Jonas said. “What are you going to do?”

Isak shrugged again.

“I don’t know,” he said. “Maybe I should. I mean I’m alive thanks to their loved one.”

“But what do you want to do?” Jonas asked. “You should only focus on what is right for you.”

“I guess. It’s just so hard. I don’t know what I want to do. On the one hand I just want to move on but on the other it’s not like I can ever forget about it either. It will always be there as a part of me. Maybe it would be good for me too. My doctor said it can be anonymous even. Like we could talk through letters and they wouldn’t even have to know my name or anything.”

“As long as that is something you want to do,” Jonas said. “Don’t force yourself to do something because of guilt or because you feel like you owe them. Just put yourself first, okay?”

“I will, thank you, Jonas,” Isak said.

-

Jonas left a little before midnight. They had eaten Indian food while playing video games for a few hours. It was now past two and Isak still couldn’t sleep. He lay in his bed, feeling wide awake, his thoughts going a million miles an hour. He thought about what Jonas had said. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to talk to them. Whoever they were. He assumed that they were this person’s parent because he had to be quite young to be a suitable donor. At least they had been the ones to reach out to him which hopefully meant that they didn’t hate him. Isak wasn’t sure how he would be able to handle it if they did.

 **Mum 02:11**  
1 John 1:9  
If we confess our sins,  
He is faithful and righteous  
to forgive us our sins  
and to cleanse us from  
all unrighteousness

 **Mum 02:18**  
Romans 5:8  
But God demonstrates  
His own love toward us,  
in that while we were yet sinners,  
Christ died for us

 **Mum 02:26**  
Isaiah 13:9  
Behold, the day of  
the LORD is coming,  
Cruel, with fury and burning  
anger, To make the land a  
desolation; And He will  
exterminate its sinners from it

Isak turned his phone on silent and tossed it to the floor carelessly before she could send anymore bible verses. She was getting crazy again. Or more crazy than usual because she was always crazy these days. Crazy enough to live in a group home. Isak hadn’t seen her in over a month but he just couldn’t bring himself to see her like this. So disconnected from reality, always trapped in her own mind. Always stuck with voices in her head or delusions that left her paranoid and scared. He couldn’t watch her without drowning in guilt. On nights like this he wished she was a normal mum, who could comfort her son until he fell asleep.

-

It was past three and Isak still couldn't sleep. He tossed and turned restlessly but his mind was wide awake despite his body feeling exhausted.

-

_They were at the skatepark: him, Jonas and Eva and a bunch of Jonas’ skater friends. Isak wasn’t skating anymore and just sat next to Eva watching Jonas skate. They were silent, both of them following Jonas from afar. Isak wondered what would happen if she ever found out how much he wanted Jonas for himself. They had only recently gotten together after the whole drama with Ingrid and Isak could tell that Jonas was happier than ever. Eva was pretty and nice and cool. Her and Jonas were meant to be, or so Jonas said. But Isak couldn’t help but feel a sting of jealousy every time he saw them kiss or hug or touch. Or like now. When Jonas caught eyes with Eva and his whole face lit up and he started skating towards them only it was as if Isak wasn’t even there because they only had eyes for each other. And the smile on Jonas’ face wasn’t meant for him._

_Maybe it was punishment for thinking those thoughts about his best friend in the first place but shortly after the pain in his chest came and the shortness of breath and dizziness followed. Jonas was on the other side of the skate park by then and didn’t notice until Eva called out for him desperately. She kept a hand on Isak’s shoulder but Isak could tell she was terrified. Just like he was. He had been feeling a little off all day, all week if he was honest. A little more exhausted and breathless at times but he ignored it. Now he was fighting to stay awake and Jonas was running towards him with panic in his eyes. Isak lay on the ground and Jonas sat next to him. Eva was close by. Isak could hear her crying but all he could see was a bunch of legs from people Isak didn’t know._

_“It’s going to be okay,” Jonas whispered and rubbed Isak’s arm._

_Isak closed his eyes and let the exhaustion and pain win._

_“Keep your eyes open, Isak!”_

-

Isak wasn’t super keen about going back to school on Monday. He didn’t really want to meet with Emma or the boys again. Even if it seemed like they had gotten over him ditching them and Jonas certainly wasn’t annoyed with him. He still hadn’t heard from Even at all and now as he stepped into the school he felt nervous about running into him. He didn’t have to worry about seeing Even outside though because when he arrived at the school he was a little bit late and most students were already inside.

Emma was waiting for him outside of the classroom by the time he made it to the second floor. She looked happy to see him and didn’t seem mad about him ditching her on Friday. That was something at least.

“Hi!” she said as he walked up to her and dropped his backpack at his feet.

“Hey…” he replied and leaned against the wall next to her.

Neither of them had time to say anything as the teacher arrived and unlocked the door to the classroom. Isak walked in first and took a seat in the back of the room. As usual Emma sat down next to him.

“So did you feel sick or something on Friday?” Emma asked bluntly.

“Uh…” Isak started.

“Because of your heart I mean…” Emma continued.

“No, not really,” Isak said, and moved in his chair uncomfortably. “Something just came up.”

“Oh…” Emma said. “I was a little worried that something might be wrong. I did some research you see and I read that people with...”

Thankfully, the teacher interrupted before she could continue and Isak cringed. Emma didn’t notice though but only blushed slightly in Isak’s direction.

The rest of the day went by in a slow manner. Emma had practically glued herself to his side for the day. There wasn’t anything wrong with her but she talked a lot and didn’t seem to notice when Isak stopped listening to her babbling on and on about the party he had missed. She was hopeless in biology and maths but ultimately better than him in English which she liked to tease him about. He should be overjoyed by the attention she was giving him, but he didn’t feel anything about it. Most of the time he was too busy trying to look out for Even to even pay attention to her and what she was saying.

“Hey!” Emma said by the end of the school day. “I was going to ask you if you maybe wanted to study with me after school. I’m still struggling with maths and since you are really good at it I thought maybe you could help me? We could go to my house.”

She gave him a nervous smile and looked at him shyly.

“Uh yeah, maybe” he said.

“Great!” Emma said.

-

Isak was reluctant to go home with Emma. She spent the whole bus ride there talking and Isak tried his best to keep up but his mind was somewhere else. Emma lived in a huge house in a nice neighbourhood and she proudly showed him around the house before they moved to her room. The whole house was styled to perfection, not a single thing misplaced, much like Terje’s apartment. There wasn’t much difference when they entered Emma’s room.

“I think it’s best if we stay here,” she commented as she opened the door. “My sisters will be home soon and they are a pain.”

Isak just nodded and looked around the room. It was just like he expected. Light walls, a bed with a ton of cushions and a fluffy blanket. Other than that she had a huge clothing rack where her clothes were hanged neatly on wooden hangers. She also had a dresser and a small desk.

“I guess we should start,” Isak said and brought out his own book and a few pens.

“Oh…yeah,” Emma said and rummaged around in her bag, finally bringing out everything she needed.

20 minutes in it became painfully clear that Emma really wasn’t that interested in having Isak teach her the chapter they were going through this week. She kept talking about other things and wasn’t even paying attention when Isak tried to explain things to her. In addition, he had to sit close to her to be able to share the desk space with her and her strong perfume was giving him a headache.

“Can’t we move to the bed?” Emma complained. “The desk is too small,”

“Isn’t it better to sit by a table?” Isak tried.

“But the bed is more comfortable,” Emma argued and stood up. “Do you want some coffee? I can go and get you one.”

“Uh, yeah sure,” Isak said.

A coffee would at least help with his headache. Emma returned with two cups of coffee only a few minutes later and Isak reluctantly sat down next to her on the bed. Emma curled up on the bed and squeezed one of her pillows to her chest. Isak couldn’t help but notice that she was staring at him. He had removed his hoodie as they arrived at Emma’s and now the top of his scar was visible above the lining of his t-shirt.

“Can I see it? The scar I mean?” she asked.

“Uh...okay” Isak said, uncomfortably and pulled down the lining further.

“Wow, that’s so cool,” Emma commented and Isak cringed. “I’ve never even had surgery before.”

As she reached out to touch it with her fingers he flinched away.

“Oh!” Emma said awkwardly. “Sorry…”

“It’s fine,” Isak muttered shakily as he took a steadying breath. “I need to go anyway,”

He gathered his things swiftly and put on his hoodie again. Emma was watching him awkwardly the whole time.

“I guess I’ll see you tomorrow,” she said as she followed him downstairs and waited for him to put on his shoes.

As soon as he was outside, Isak let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. Emma’s actions had thrown him off completely. He was frail and weak and pathetic.

-

 **Isak 9:23**  
I hope everything  
was good at your grandma’s  
it was nice hanging out with  
you on friday. Didn’t see you  
yesterday but I guess I’ll see  
you around in school :)

  
He didn’t see Even at all during the following days and he had yet to hear from him. Isak tried to convince himself that he had probably just missed Even among all the students and that Even likely had been to school every day. But he couldn't help but wonder why Even was so absent. Surely he could have answered by now. Isak had gone through their conversations countless of times by now, trying to figure out if he had said something wrong. They had talked about music, movies and their favourite foods and everything in between. There wasn’t really anything that Even could have reacted badly to. The last text Isak had sent on Tuesday morning stared back at him, making him feel pathetic for sending it in the first place. By Thursday Isak was ready to accept that them hanging out and talking was a one off only and that it wouldn’t happen again. Even obviously wasn’t interested in being Isak’s friend.

Things weren’t much better with Emma or the boys. Not that he cared about Emma that much but everytime they interacted things felt even more awkward than before and all Isak wanted to do was make it through every day with as little stress as possible. He silently cursed Vilde for not being able to shut her mouth. Why did she have to tell Emma about him? As if things weren’t bad enough without her weird obsession about him. He was scared and paranoid that she would end up telling everyone about him and that he soon would be subjected to stares and whispers everywhere he went in school. It didn’t help that Jonas told him every day that no one was looking. It still felt like everyone did, like they looked and talked among themselves. He just wanted to feel normal.

“You owe us a new party, you know,” Magnus said after school on Thursday when all four of them were walking towards the tram stop.

“What the fuck?” Isak exclaimed. “Why?”

“Because you ditched us last minute and made me spend money on worthless beer,” Magnus said. “So not cool, man.”

Isak rolled his eyes and Jonas gave Magnus a stern look.

“What?” Magnus said.

“Just leave him alone, Mags,” Jonas sighed.

Magnus looked at Isak shamefully.

“It’s fine,” Isak said and rubbed his face tiredly. “Honestly, Magnus. Don’t worry about it.”

Magnus let out a visible sigh of relief.

“Does that mean that you will buy me beer next time?” he asked hopefully. “I heard there is a party on-”

“Look,” Jonas started. “Maybe we could just do something that doesn’t revolve around alcohol this weekend? I mean we could just hang out and play video games. There are going to be more parties but for Isak it might be more fun to do something else…”

Isak looked away uncomfortably for a few seconds. He knew Jonas was trying to make him feel included but all this just made him feel even more like an outsider that needed to have Jonas protect him against harmful comments which weren’t even harmful from the beginning.

Magnus’ face lit up in a smile.

“Yeah we could do that! That would be so awesome. We could probably stay at my place even. My parents wouldn’t mind.”

It took a little while for Mahdi to answer. So far he had been silent during the whole conversation and Isak couldn’t help but wonder how keen he really was. But after just a few seconds he smiled too.

“Sure,” he said. “Sounds great.”

Now all three of them looked over to Isak, expecting a confirmation from him. It would be nice to do something else than just tag along to a party and Isak appreciated their efforts to include him in their activities. But he also didn’t feel like hanging out with anyone. He had had trouble sleeping for most of the week and wanted to spend the whole weekend in bed. He knew if he declined that would make Jonas worry and most likely lead to more questions from Magnus or Mahdi and he didn’t want that either.

“Yeah, okay,” he agreed.

“Sweet,” Magnus said. “I’ll talk to my parents as soon as they get home.”

-

He ran into Even again on the tram home on Friday. Even looked just as happy as he had last week when Isak last saw him. His hair was styled to perfection and underneath his denim jacket he wore a grey hoodie. He smiled brightly as he spotted Isak sitting in the far back.

“Hey,” he said as he sat down next to Isak as if nothing had happened.

“Uh, hi! Isak said.

“This is becoming a tradition,” Even commented brightly. “Bumping into each other on the tram every Friday.”

“Uh, yeah!” Isak mumbled and looked down at his lap.

“Are you on your way home?” Even asked casually.

Isak nodded quietly and fumbled nervously with the strap of his backpack. He had almost forgotten how good looking Even was but now that he got to see him again he once again found himself flustered by Even’s presence.

“I’m sorry I never responded to your text,” Even said after a little while, taking Isak by surprise. “I meant to, but a lot of things happened during the weekend so…”

“It’s fine,” Isak said. “I hope everything is okay though…”

Even smiled brightly.

“Do you wanna do something?” he asked. “We could find a spot for you!”

Isak smiled back at Even.

“Oh, so you are not going to share yours now, are you?” he said playfully.

Even laughed, tilting his head back.

“Maybe...” he said. “So are you up for it? Some more sightseeing?”

He was supposed to meet with the boys in a few hours but he really, really wanted to spend time with Even. He had spent so much time wondering and worrying about him and now that he had appeared right in front of him again he just had to go in for more.

“Sure,” Isak smiled.

Even returned his smile and reached for his phone inside his pocket and brought it out along with his headphones. The cord was a tangled mess and Isak smiled as Even attempted to detangle them.

“Do you need help with that?” Isak smirked as he watched Even struggle.

“No,” Even muttered under his breath.

“Okay…” Isak said and continued to watch Even’s attempts to sort his headphones out.

After a minute of trying and only managing to detangle one of the huge knots Even seemed to give up and just offered Isak one of the earbuds. Isak accepted it and put it in his ear with a small smile.

“I made a new playlist,” Even said quietly. “Wanna listen to it?”

Sitting so close to Even again, listening to music was probably Isak’s favourite thing to do and soon he found himself lost in the moment. They had listened to a few of the songs the week before, and a few of them Isak had listened to by himself. Some of them were new though and some of them felt weirdly sad.

Even was completely silent the entire time, seemingly deep into his own thoughts but every time Isak looked at him he smiled brightly and mouthed along to the lyrics. Isak altered between looking at Even and through the window. It was another one of those warm days, and the people in Oslo seemed to want to make the most of it while it lasted. The outside world seemed to be such a contrast to the music in Isak’s ears. Happy and bubbly and full of colours in comparison to the song now playing. It was Demons by Imagine Dragons. Isak had heard the song before on the radio but he had never paid attention to the lyrics. Now that he did he could feel his stomach twist. Something about it was so haunting. Was this how Even felt inside? The rest of the playlist wasn’t much better, it was just one sad song after the other but Isak enjoyed every single one of them anyway. It wasn’t until the tram driver announced that the tram was terminating at the next stop that Isak realised how long they had been sitting next to each other just listening to the music.

“Oh fuck,” he exclaimed and moved his head away from Even causing both of their earbuds to pop out. “Where are we even?”

It was just them and two more passengers left as the tram came to a stop and the tram driver once again called out in the speakers asking everybody to leave the tram.

“Kjelsås,” Even replied once the two of them got out.

Isak looked around. He had been here before plenty of times since it wasn’t too far away from where he had grown up. When he was younger his parents had taken him to the Science and Technology museum all the time and he had loved spending his time there. He remembered during weekends when his mother and him would take the tram a few stops and then walk the rest of the way there. After spending hours at the museum his mother would buy him lunch or hot chocolate at the cafeteria and if he was really lucky she would buy him something from that overpriced gift shop. Being here brought back so many memories from those times when she was just his mom and he was just her son. Before everything changed.

Isak was aware that he was being distant and that Even was watching him carefully so he took a deep breath to collect himself and met Even’s worried eyes.

“Are you okay?” Even said softly and put his hand on Isak’s back. “We could go back if you want to.”

Isak nodded and smiled towards Even.

“Yeah, I’m good!” Isak reassured. “We should go to the lake.”

“The lake it is,” Even confirmed with a smile. “Let’s find your spot!”

As they passed the familiar building of the science museum Isak couldn’t help but point it out to Even.

“I used to come here all the time when I was little,” he said. “With my parents. Like almost every other weekend or something. I spent hours in there every time even if there was nothing new to explore. I think my parents hated it in the end and only took me so that I would stop bothering them about it.”

Even smiled and playfully nudged Isak’s arm.

“I never could have guessed you were a science nerd,” he teased.

“I have many talents,” Isak laughed.

“Like what?” Even asked curiously.

“Rapping for instance…” Isak replied.

“Wow,” Even said. “You’ll have to show me some day!”

“Maybe...” Isak said and looked at the building once again, stopping in his tracks and feeling Even do the same.

“You know,” Even said. “We could always go inside...for a little bit. I have never been there actually. You could show me everything.”

-

Isak dragged Even along the different exhibitions for well over an hour. A lot of things had changed since he was a kid but it still managed to bring back all of the excitement he had felt all those years ago. Even followed suit and let Isak point out everything he remembered from his last visit and listened to Isak babble endlessly about everything. They did the experiments together just like the many kids around them. Even never seemed to get tired the way Isak’s dad always used to do. He just laughed and smiled and looked at Isak like everything he said was of importance. Like Isak was the most important person in the universe.

“Have you found a spot yet?” Even asked as the two of them stood in front of a huge screen projecting an image of the milky way.

Isak looked at the galaxy and the many stars in front of them and then back at Even who was watching him carefully.

“I don’t know…” he said. “Maybe not.”

He was silent for a little while before he cleared his throat and continued speaking.

“Maybe this used to be the place where I was the most happy…” he mumbled. “Maybe this was seven-year-old Isak’s spot. Or even 10-year-old. But I don’t think it is anymore.”

Even nodded slowly, seemingly a little disappointed.

“I had a great time though,” Isak said and smiled. “Really good. Thank you for taking me here. It was nice.”

Even’s face lit up in a smile.

“It was nice of you to teach me so many things,” he teased. “Do you want to continue?”

Isak didn’t hesitate before he answered.

“Yeah!” he said.

Before leaving the museum they bought a coffee each to go. They continued their walk and it didn’t take long before they reached the lake and the trail that lead around the whole lake.

“This is nice,” Even commented as the two of them began walking along the trail.

It was beautiful indeed. More beautiful than Isak remembered it being. After a kilometer or two they sat down near the trail, facing the water.

“We should have brought food,” Even commented after a little while. “It would have made the perfect picnic, don’t you think?”

“Yeah,” Isak said. “You didn’t plan this very well!”

“I didn’t plan?” Even said, pretending to be offended. “How is it my responsibility to bring food?”

“I thought you were the guide though?” Isak laughed. “This was your idea.”

“Fuck, you are right,” Even laughed. “We’ll it is too late now. Or do you think anyone delivers here?”

“Probably not,” Isak said. “We’ll be fine though.”

Even smiled.

“I hope so,” he said seriously.

-

“What do you wanna do after graduation?” Isak asked once they had finished their coffees and were just sitting next to each other looking at the water.

“I’ve not really thought about it,” Even mumbled. “All I know is that I want to leave Oslo.”

“Oh,” Isak said.

Even looked at him and smiled slightly.

“I just feel like there is nothing keeping me here. All there is are bad memories. Painful memories. I just need to leave.”

Isak had no idea what Even was talking about but whatever had happened last year had been painful.

“I’m sorry,” Isak said gently.

“It’s not your fault,” Even answered. “I’m still happy I transferred to Nissen though. I don’t think I could face going back to Bakka after everything that happened. Besides I got to meet you.”

Isak found himself smiling again as he looked at Even. Even smiled back.

“Even if I’m leaving in June I’m still glad that I got to meet you and got to explore with you. I don’t think I’ve ever learned so much about science in just a few hours before today.”

Isak nodded, feeling a thud of sadness at the thought of Even leaving in June. They had just gotten to know each other but Isak still felt like he wanted to spend all his time with Even. If 8 months were all they had he would make the most of it.

Isak had no idea how much time passed as the two of them just sat there, talking and watching the water. People passed them every once in a while but most of the time it was just the two of them. Isak was aware of his phone ringing in the back of his pocket and he suspected it was his friends wondering where the hell he was. It was the second time he had ditched them in favour of hanging out with Even and they were going to be pissed by that. But at the moment he didn’t care. When the phone rang again for the fifth time in half an hour Isak gave up and brought it out. It was his dad calling. He also had missed calls from Jonas and Magnus and unread texts from all of them. He declined his dad’s call rather than letting it ring out. He was aware that Even was watching him.

“You can answer you know,” he said. “I don’t mind.”

“No…it’s alright.” Isak said as he quickly read through his missed texts and messages.

 **Jonas 18:12**  
Where the fuck  
are you?

 **Jonas 18:20**  
Are you on your way?

 **Jonas 18:32**  
Isak?? Call me!

 **Magnus 18:37**  
Where are you?  
We are gonna eat  
without you :( Are  
you okay?

 **Mahdi 18:50**  
Dude! If you  
are bailing  
today I’m not  
going to forgive  
you.

 **Dad 19:03**  
Isak where are you?  
Why aren’t you answering  
your phone?

 **Dad 19:05**  
Call me!

 **Dad 19:20**  
Isak, Jonas  
just called me.  
I thought you were with  
him. Where are you?  
Please call me! I’m calling  
Eskild!

 **Jonas 19:21**  
Your dad said you  
are not at home? Where  
are you? Are you okay?

 **Dad 19:24**  
Why are you doing this?

 **Eskild 19:32**  
Isak are you okay?

 **Dad 19:41**  
Isak? Hello? Did  
you just decline my call?

“Someone is popular,” Even joked next to him.

“It is just my dad…” Isak sighed, angrily typing out a reply to his dad to leave him alone.

“He always needs to know where I am or what I’m doing and stuff. It’s fucking suffocating.”

“Yeah I know what you mean,” Even sighed next to him as Isak focused on typing on his phone.

He quickly sent the text to his dad before opening his conversation with Jonas. He honestly had no idea what to reply. The disappointment was evident in Jonas’ wordings even if Jonas mostly seemed worried about him. Mahdi was pissed off though but Isak wasn’t surprised. Mahdi didn’t even like him to begin with. With a sigh Isak put his phone back into his pocket.

“I wish people would just leave me alone,” he said quietly and gave Even a slight grimace.

“Your dad?” Even asked.

“Yeah, him!” Isak confirmed with a deep sigh. “He doesn’t believe I can take care of myself and he is forcing me to live with him even if I don’t want to. Because he thinks he needs to monitor me all the time!”

“How about your mother?” Even asked. “Can’t you live with her?”

Isak shook his head sadly.

“She lives in a group home….so...probably not…”

“Oh…” Even said.

“Yeah, she can’t even take care of herself most of the time! She needs help with almost everything. Can’t even get dressed on her own some days. Much less cook or clean.”

“I see....” Even mumbled.

“But let’s not focus on them,” Isak said, desperately wanting to change the subject. “You’ve not heard me rap yet!”

“Oh yeah,” Even said smiling once again. “Is now the time I get to hear you rap?”

“It is,” Isak said. “Are you ready for it?”

“I am,” Even confirmed with an eager smile.

“You better prepare yourself,” Isak said. “I’m the master of rapping.”

Isak only managed to rap half a verse before he broke into a laughter and after that it was impossible not to laugh every time he as much as looked in Even’s direction.

“Stop looking at me,” Isak said after a minute of collecting himself. “You are making me mess up…”

“What if I don’t want to?” Even answered, and looked Isak seriously in the eyes.

“What?” Isak managed, feeling a little flustered.

“Stop looking at you,” Even said and moved a little closer to Isak.

“Oh…” Isak said dumbly and smiled faintly before breaking eye contact with Even altogether and looking down at his lap.

Suddenly there was a sharp pain in Isak’s left eye and he squeezed it shut in panic and covered his eye with his hand.

“Fuck,” he exclaimed and attempted to open his eye, only to be hit with another sharp jolt of pain through his eye.

Tears were forming quickly and rolled down his cheek as he closed his eye shut again.

“What’s wrong,” Even said and Isak felt a hand on his shoulder.

“Just got something in my eye,” Isak said embarrassedly.

“Let me see,” Even said gently and moved Isak’s hand away from his face and put both his hands on either side of Isak’s face.

“Can you open your eye?” Even asked.

Isak tried to but immediately had to close it again as new tears formed in his eyes.

“It feels like a fucking needle or something, or a piece of glass.” he muttered.

Even chuckled.

“Probably not a needle,” he said and gently rubbed Isak’s cheek with his thumb. “Try to open it one more time so that I can have a look.”

Isak did as he was told and this time he actually managed to keep his eye open. He could feel Even’s breath against his skin as Even studied him closely.

“Sit still,” Even said and gently brushed his finger against Isak’s waterline.

Another round of tears formed but then the pain was gone and Isak could look at Even again. Even smiled gingerly and stroked Isak’s cheek with tender fingers.

“Better?” he whispered.

“Yeah,” Isak said.

“Good…” Even said and gingerly brushed against Isak’s cheek again. “Here...” he continued softly and held his finger close to Isak eyes.

One of Isak’s eyelashes were stuck on the tip of the finger.

“You get to make a wish,” Even said and looked at Isak with a small smile.

Isak leaned a little closer and blew away the lash from Even’s finger, making a wish in the process.

“Don’t tell anyone what you wished for,” Even said. “Or it won’t come true.”

“I won’t” Isak smiled.

“Good, Even whispered again.

He looked at Isak for a moment before he leaned closer and kissed the tears away from Isak’s cheek. For a moment Isak could barely breathe. Even smiled carefully before cupping Isak’s face in both his hands and kissing his lips tenderly. Isak’s heart raced in his chest as he kissed Even back.

When the two of them broke off Even looked at him nervously. Isak managed a shy smile, feeling his cheeks heat up. Even smiled right back.

“We should probably head back home,” Even said awkwardly and let his hand run through Isak’s hair one last time.

“Yeah,” Isak said, unwilling to let the moment go.

-

It was starting to get dark by the time Isak got off the tram a few stops before Even. Isak had spent most of the ride wishing he didn’t have to get off. He dreaded coming home to his dad and facing his dad’s anger. He dreaded having to face the consequences of once again ditching his friends on Monday. But most of all he didn’t want to leave Even’s side.

Terje pretty much ambushed Isak as soon as he got inside the door and Isak didn’t even have the time to take off his shoes before his dad started yelling at him.

“Where the fuck have you been?” Terje started. “I’ve been trying to reach you for ages. And then Jonas called me to ask where you were? Why did you not call me back? Why are you being like this? What the hell is going on?”

Isak tried to pass him in the hallway to go to his room but Terje grabbed his arm to stop him.

“Don’t walk away from me!” he said angrily. “And answer my questions!”

“Why does it matter so much?” Isak asked, pushing his dad’s hand away from his arm. “I’ve been out walking. It is none of your fucking business!”

“It is my business!” Terje retorted. “I need to be able to know where you are! And when your friends don’t know either I get worried. Everyone gets worried. It’s selfish, Isak!”

Isak looked down, unable to meet his father’s eyes anymore but his dad wasn’t finished with his little lecture.

“Where have you been?” he repeated. “This is the second time you do this and I’m done with it so drop that fucking attitude of yours. Did you at least take your medication?”

Isak sighed. He had forgotten about it as he had planned to go home before going to Magnus.

“I’ll do it now,” he tried but his dad was having none of it.

“I can’t believe you are being so irresponsible about this! And careless! Something could have happened to you and now you’ve made people worry about you just because you couldn’t pick up your phone or answer your texts. I was about to call the hospital to see if something had happened to you. And your mom. Imagine what that would have done to her. She doesn’t need that kind of stress in her life. And you made Jonas and your friends worry and stress about you. And Eskild. It’s selfish, Isak. You are being selfish.”

“Fuck you,” Isak said with a thick voice as he finally managed to push past his dad and into the safety of his room.

He sank down his bed and drew his knees to his chest. It didn’t take long before the tears were streaming down his face. In a matter of seconds everything was ruined. Despite his amazing evening with Even it felt like everything was falling apart again as his dad’s words kept ringing in his head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So what did you think? Was their date any good? So alot of things going on for Isak. Conflicts with his dad, and friends, Emma and Even who makes him feel all sorts of things. 
> 
> Thank you for reading <3


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! 
> 
> 4th chapter already! As always thank you so much for leaving comments and kudos and reading! It means so much to me and makes me feel inspired and motivated :) This chapter has not been approved by Steffi because she is on holiday. But I'll try to go through it tomorrow.

**Eskild 09:23**  
Hey, baby-Jesus  
I’m just checking to  
see if you are still  
alive. You never text  
me anymore :( Do you have  
time to come by today? I’ll  
make lunch!

 **Eskild 09:45**  
Hello? Isak?

 **Eskild 09:48**  
You can’t sleep all  
day. It is not good  
for you!

Isak was exhausted by the time he woke up on Saturday. It felt like he had barely slept at all. He had been awake for hours even after his tears had dried. His evening with Even had been amazing but in a matter of minutes his dad had destroyed it by reminding Isak of how selfish and irresponsible he was. How people worried about him and how bad he was for his mother when all Isak wanted was to feel like himself. Like he did with Even.

He spent a long time lying in his bed, wrapped up in his duvet. He just wanted to stay here all day and sleep but he should probably see Eskild today. He didn’t have any other plans. His dad wasn’t at home when Isak finally left bed so he made himself a coffee in the kitchen and ate some cereal even though every spoonful made him feel sick to his stomach. A couple of hours later he made his way over to Eskild’s house.

-

“So what have you been up to recently?” Eskild asked from the other side of the table.

“What?” Isak said.

“Well you’ve been ignoring me for weeks so you must have done something to make you forget about your guru,” Eskild sighed dramatically. “Not to mention the drama of yesterday when your dad called me out of the blue.”

Isak rolled his eyes but couldn’t hide the hint of sadness on his face. Eskild gave him a sympathetic smile before thankfully changing the subject.

“How has school been?” he asked.

“It’s been okay,” Isak said, offering a small smile.

“Have you made any new friends?” Eskild asked curiously and leaned his elbow on the table and rested his chin on his hand.

“A few I guess,” Isak said, immediately thinking about Even and unable to contain his smile.

“Are you smiling?” Eskild replied. “Who did you meet?”

“Shut up,” Isak muttered and Eskild smiled fondly.

“No need to be all grumpy and shy…” Eskild said. “You can tell me anything.”

They ate in silence for a couple of minutes. Isak noticed how Eskild kept giving him looks from across the table.

“What is it?” he asked and put down his knife and fork on the plate.

“How are you?” Eskild asked gently.

“I’m good, Eskild,” Isak said quickly, maybe a little too quickly because Eskild frowned at him.

“Are you?” he pressed.

Isak looked away, unable to meet Eskild’s eyes.

“Isak…” he started. “It’s okay if you are not okay!”

The thing was Isak was okay, and he wasn’t. Physically he was doing fine. Just as good as anyone could expect. When his dad asked him how he was every morning he was looking for physical things. Did Isak sneeze or cough? Was he running a temperature? Did he eat properly? Was he taking his medication? It was exhausting to constantly have people monitor him. Physically Isak felt fine but mentally he still felt anxious, scared and down most of the time. His doctor had explained that feeling like this was normal and that it could be a good idea to talk to someone about it. It wasn’t really an option though. Terje had made that clear with the look of sheer and utter panic at the suggestion that Isak might struggle mentally. Just like his mother did.

Besides, it seemed like the concerns for Isak’s physical health were more than enough to deal with for people anyway so Isak tried to pretend like everything was fine. After yesterday he was even more adamant about keeping his struggles to himself. He wasn’t going to make people worry about him even more. He was already a burden on everyone around him. It wasn’t fair on them and they deserved better than him.

“You don’t have to worry about me…” he said eventually, offering Eskild a half-hearted smile.

“I don’t think that is possible,” Eskild said seriously.

_Isak’s parents were arguing. His dad was yelling and his mother was crying. Neither of them paid attention when Isak left the house. They were both too caught up in their own mess to notice him these days. They hardly cared. So when he left late at night they just kept screaming and crying. It was a cold night and the wind was merciless against Isak’s face when he got off the bus. He didn’t have any plan on where to go but he knew he couldn’t stand another minute at home. So he got drunk, recklessly and stupidly. He drank until his mind was blurry and he didn’t feel cold anymore. It did nothing to mend the emptiness inside him. His parents were still fighting all the time, he was still in love with Jonas and he was still dying. It hurt that his parents cared more about their own problems than him. Especially now. But he knew that he was the root of their problems. He was the stress they talked about. All he ever brought to people was stress and anger._

_The word was spinning and his heart racing when Isak collapsed on the street in front of a gay bar. He was too dizzy to keep his eyes open. The ground was cold and hard against his cheek. Something was wrong but people around him thought he was just drunk. He was scared, so scared because everything was too similar to the skatepark. But then Jonas had been there and he hadn’t been alone. Now it felt like he was going to die, alone in front of a fucking gay bar like the most tragic and pathetic life story ever. People walked past him, ignoring him as he lay on the street. And then Eskild came._

_Eskild saved his life that night. He saw Isak on the street and when Isak didn’t respond to his shakes, Eskild called for help. He stayed with Isak, and put his own jacket around Isak’s small frame. He sat next to Isak’s puke on the cold ground and held Isak’s hand. And once the ambulance came he followed Isak to the hospital and stayed until Isak’s parents arrived over an hour later. The next day he had come by just to make sure Isak was okay. Since that day Eskild was his saviour, his friend and his self-proclaimed guru._

“How are things with your dad?” Eskild asked.

Isak shook his head.

“Can we not talk about him,” he said.

“Did something happen?” Eskild asked.

“No,” Isak lied and looked out of the window. It was raining outside, and big fat drops hit the window in a calming pattern.

“Isak…”

“He is just mad at me…” Isak said. “Like always. He just yelled at me yesterday, telling me how selfish and irresponsible I am.”

“He doesn’t mean it like that,” Eskild tried.

“Why not?” Isak said. “It is the truth!”

“No, Isak” Eskild said. “It is not. But what was yesterday about anyway? It’s not like you to make people worry like that. Even when things are messed up with your dad. I’m not trying to make you feel guilty about it even if I was worried about you. I just want to understand what is going on with you.”

Isak shrugged. His evening with Even felt like a faint and distanced memory. As if he didn’t even know it had happened for real.

“It doesn’t matter. Even when he is not mad he is controlling everything I do… it’s just so fucking exhausting to live with him….”

“Still?” Eskild asked softly.

“Yeah,” Isak muttered. “He keeps monitoring me all the time because he thinks I can’t take care of myself. That if he isn’t in control of me and what I do I’ll die or something. Or he just wants to be in control period”

“He is worried about you,” Eskild said. “We all are. He might not be the perfect dad but I do know he loves you.”

Isak only shrugged.

“You can always come here and stay for a few days,” Eskild offered gently. “I’m sure he would be okay with that. Besides, our new roommate had to move out...”

“Really?” Isak said, glad that they were shifting subject. “Why? What happened?”

Eskild sighed and made a small grimace.

“He couldn’t respect how things works around here. Kept playing music really loud and was a bit rude in general. Mostly towards Linn so… you know.”

Isak nodded.

“I suppose we will find a new roommate soon,” Eskild continued. “But until then you could come stay here sometimes.”

“Yeah, maybe,” Isak said. “Thank you, Eskild.”

  
“You don’t have to thank me, Isak,” Eskild replied calmly. “I’d be happy to have you stay here with us.”

-

Isak stayed at Kollektivet the rest of the afternoon. Eventually Linn emerged from her room and the three of them ended up in the living room to watch Disney movies and eat popcorn that Eskild made for them.

When they had watched both Mulan and Up! Linn announced that she was going back to bed and Eskild and Isak were left alone. It was probably his cue to go but Isak didn’t want to get back home. He hadn’t heard from his dad all day and he suspected that Terje was busy at work or wherever he disappeared to during the weekends. He also supposed Terje was still pissed off and disappointed in him so he wasn’t keen on going home to that either. But on the other hand he couldn’t stay at Kollektivet for too long either. Eskild probably had other things to do. It was Saturday after all so Eskild most likely had plans for the evening and Isak shouldn’t get in the way of those plans just because he didn’t feel like going home. They boys were hanging out again according to the instagram stories of both Mahdi and Jonas. Neither of them had bothered to ask him, It felt like the ultimate fuck you.

“I should probably go home,” he said reluctantly and cleared his throat.

“You don’t have to,” Eskild said. “We could cook something together and just hang out here. I don’t have any plans for the evening.”

“Yeah, okay!” Isak said thankfully and sank down into the couch again just as his phone beeped with an incoming message.

 **Even**  
Look where I am at!  
The only thing missing is you :)

Isak looked at the picture Even had sent him. It was from the hiking spot Even had taken him to last Friday. Even’s place in the universe. Isak could only see Even’s long legs, a pair of red wellies and the view of the dark grey sky. As smile spread on Isak’s face as he replied.

 **Isak**  
Looks nice. Even in the rain.  
Nice boots too ;)

 **Even**  
So what are you  
up to?

 **Isak**  
Just hanging out  
with a friend :)  
we have watched two  
disney movies already.

 **Even**  
I see. You can’t go  
wrong with disney  
:D

 **Isak**  
Yeah that’s what Eskild  
says ;)

 **Even**  
Haha, smart friend!

 **Isak**  
Hahaha don’t let  
him hear you say that ;)

 **Even**  
I’m gonna hike  
back now but I’ll  
see you on Monday?

As soon he looked up from his phone he spotted Eskild smirking in his direction. He had almost forgotten that Eskild was in the room but now he was trying to playing it cool as he put his phone onto the table and shrugged in Eskild’s direction.

“What?” he said.

“Who were you texting?” Eskild asked curiously.

“No one,” Isak lied.

“Well your smile tells me otherwise, baby-jesus” Eskild said. “You can tell me…”

“Just a friend from school,” Isak said and avoided looking Eskild in the eyes again. “A new friend I made. Are you happy now?”

“No… but alright. If you say so.” Eskild said. “Let’s just watch another movie before we start dinner…”

-

“Eskild,” he said.

“Yeah, Isak!”

Eskild was cooking pasta for dinner and Isak was sitting the table. He had offered to help but Eskild had forbidden him to even touch anything so instead he just watched Eskild move around in the kitchen.

“If you were me, would you want to know the family to the person that donated your heart?”

Eskild put down the knife and turned around.

“Are you thinking about trying to contact them?” he asked.

“They want to come into contact with me,” Isak said and retold what the doctor had told him and what he had told Jonas a week ago.

“Do you think it would be helpful for you?” Eskild asked. “Does your dad know?”

Isak shook his head.

“I’ve not talked to him about it. Maybe my doctor has but I think she thinks I’m old enough to make that decision. Dad probably think I just need to get over myself so…”

“What do you want to do?” Eskild asked.

“I don’t know,” Isak said. “I think it could be good maybe. But I’m also scared. I don’t know what I would tell them. What if they are angry. What if they hate me? What do I even say then? There’s nothing I can even say besides sorry. I just feel like I’d be drowning in guilt.”

“Look,” Eskild said and sat down next to Isak. “I highly doubt that they would be angry or hate you. It’s clearly not something you can control. From the sounds of it this is just them wanting to reach out because it would be helpful for them in their grief. Maybe talking to you could bring them some closure because they would now that their loved one saved someone’s life.”

Isak nodded silently.

“But that doesn’t mean you have do it Isak,” Eskild said. “You need to think about yourself and your health. You have no obligations when it comes to this.”

“I know,” Isak said. “That’s what Jonas said too.”

“Yeah because we are the smartest persons you know,” Eskild smiled. “Come here, Baby Jesus, I need a hug now.”

He said goodbye to Eskild after they had watch two more movies and eaten the pasta. As they stood in the hallway Eskild wrapped Isak into a second hug for the night. This was a long, tight hug. Isak kept his arms around Eskild and tilted his head slightly sideways to lean against Eskild’s shoulder.

“Come back soon, baby-jesus” Eskild said as the two of them broke off. “You are always welcome here!”

-

Isak spent the rest of the weekend avoiding his dad and simultaneously avoiding any kind of interaction with the boys in the group chat. It proved to be easy since no one tried to contact him or even write in the group chat. Not even Jonas tried to contact him or ask him if he was okay. Isak stayed in his room all day on sunday, not feeling up for anything at all.  As for his dad, things weren’t much better. They hadn’t spoken to each other since their argument on Friday night. It wasn’t until Sunday night that Terje approached Isak as he made himself dinner in the kitchen.

“I’m going on a business trip this week. I’m leaving tomorrow and I won’t be back until Sunday…” he muttered.

“Okay…” Isak said.

“I was thinking you could stay with Eskild,” Terje said hesitantly and looked nervously at Isak.

“Why?” Isak said coldly and continued to chop the onion on the cutting board in front of him.

“I think it would be good. In case something happens…”

“Because I’m irresponsible and can’t take care of myself?”

Terje sighed heavily and made a grimace.

“You know that’s not what I meant… I’m sorry I said it like that but...”

Isak turned away and went to grab some tomatoes from the fridge without waiting for his dad to continue. He didn’t want to hear any more empty apologies.

“What?” Isak closed the fridge door aggressively and made his way over to the counter again.

“I just want you to be safe,” this dad tried.

“And I’ll be fine on my own…” Isak retorted.

“I know that but…” his dad started and then sighed deeply again.

He looked exhausted and Isak doubted he had slept for more than a few hours every night this past week. And that was down to Isak.

“Okay, Isak,” he resigned. “Just make sure you call Eskild if you get sick or anything. I’ll make sure you have enough money for food.”

“Yeah, I will,” Isak agreed.

“Good…” Terje said.

-

By now Isak was used to the uneasiness of turning up to school after the weekend. This was the second time he had fucked up with the boys and he didn’t count on them forgiving him easily this time around. They had actually made an effort to make him feel included and he had just ditched them once again. He understood them, he really did. Still, he hated the feeling in his stomach as he walked into the building, blasting Even’s playlist in his ears. As he approached his row of lockers he spotted Jonas standing by his just a little down the hall. The other boy was busy fetching his books and hadn’t noticed Isak yet and for a moment Isak just watched him collect his things, not sure if he should approach or not. He knew even Jonas was pissed at him by now. Tired of Isak and his constant bullshit.

Isak struggled to open his locker, messing up his combination several times. When he finally got it to open a huge mess of books, note books, papers and pens fell to the floor from the overflowing space. The loose papers spread around him in the corridor and he quickly dived down to collect everything. As he tried to gather his things another person crouched down next to him and when he looked up to see who it was, Sana was smiling back at him.

“Hi,” she said as she helped him gather most of the papers and his biology book.

“Hey,” he muttered. “And thanks,” he added as she handed him the pile of papers she had collected for him.

“No worries,” she said gently.

She looked down at the book in his hand.

“Year one biology,” she smiled. “Lucky you!”

Isak smiled back as both of them stood up from the floor.

“Yeah I guess,” he said with a small shrug. “Is it hard? In year two?”

“Not really. It’s just the teacher is a moron. But I’ll manage. I really need that six though.”

Isak nodded silently.  
  
“You know I would have helped you if we were in the same class,” he said.

Sana snorted.

“You’d be clueless,” she said. “I’d be the one helping you.”

“Right,” Isak said.

“I guess I should get going. I’ll see you around!” Sana smiled.

“Yeah, and thanks again, Sana!” Isak said.

“You are welcome,” she said before she started walking down the corridor.

When Isak turned around and looked around the corridor to where had been standing, the other boy had disappeared. With a sigh Isak closed his locker and headed to class.

-

The next awkward moment came when Isak stepped into the cafeteria at lunch. He had bought himself a pasta salad with chicken and a bottle of water and now he was scanning the room for somewhere to sit. His friends were nowhere to be seen and probably hadn’t arrived yet. As he contemplated if he should just take a seat at one of the free tables and hope that they would sit next to him when they showed up, he could feel someone walk up behind him.

“Halla!”

This time it definitely wasn’t Emma’s voice but a much deeper voice and when Isak turned around Even was standing right next to him, smiling brightly at Isak’s surprised look.

“Hi” Isak smiled.

“Nice food,” Even commented and nodded towards the plastic container with salad in Isak’s hand.

“It’s probably awful,” Isak said with a shrug.

Even smiled.

“I’m going to have to buy something but maybe we could take it outside and eat?” he asked.

“Yeah, okay!” Isak said with a smile.

He watched Even stand in the line before he grabbed his phone. He had a few unread messages from his dad.

 **Dad 11:04**  
It would be good  
if you tried to visit  
your mom while I’m  
away. She would app-  
reciate it.

**Dad 11:06**

Also Ingrid contacted  
me. Why did you tell me  
about the last check up?  
I feel like it is something  
we should have discussed.

 **Dad 11:06**  
I know you are old  
enough to make those  
decisions but you could  
have told me about it.  
Is this about the arguement  
we had? Or me not going  
with you to the check up?

 **Dad 11:07**  
I need to go now. We’ll  
talk once I get home.

Isak re-read the messages a couple of times, feeling the anger in him grow. He didn’t even bother replying and just angrily forced his phone back into the pocket just as Even appeared in front of him.

“Ready to go?” Even said and looked at Isak carefully.

“Yeah!” Isak said, clearing his throat. “Let’s go!”

-

They found a seat on one of the benches next to the stairs leading up to Nissen. Both of them sat down on the backrest and Even straightened his long legs. Isak dug into his pasta salad and watched Even unwrap his grilled cheese sandwich. The first minutes felt awkward and tense. Isak was unsure how to act since they hadn’t seen each other since they had kissed on Friday night. Neither of them had acknowledged it so far and Isak was too scared to bring it up in case it meant nothing to Even.

“So how do you find Nissen so far?” Isak asked softly.

Even looked up with a small shrug.

“It’s okay, I suppose. I mean it is not what I wanted to do with my life. Repeating and everything but now I just want to be done with it. Like everyone I used to go to school with are moving on with their life but then there is me just stuck here. It kind of sucks you know. I just want to put school behind me and do something else...”

Isak nodded.

“But like the school isn’t so bad after all,” Even added. “People are chill and no one really knows me here. It’s kind of nice. I feel like I can be who I want to be.”

“Yeah I understand what you mean,” Isak said and looked across the yard.

He spotted Sana looking at him with a smile on her face and when she waved he waved back. Then he looked back at Even.

“A friend of yours?” Even asked curiously.

Isak shrugged and took a bite of his salad.

“Yeah she is,” he said finally. “Or like an old classmate. But now that I’m repeating I’m not really sure. She’s friends with my best friend’s ex so.”

“Have you made any new friends from your year yet?” Even asked.

Isak couldn’t help but roll his eyes.

“Nah,” he started.

“You sure?” Even smirked. “I have seen you with that tall girl with short brown hair. The one from the party.”

“Oh, Emma. Yeah we have a lot of classes together. But we don’t really hang out outside of school. She’s annoying.”

“So you are not friends?” Even smiled.

“Not really!” Isak answered and continued to eat his salad.

Even continued to smile as he took a bite of his sandwich. Neither of them said anything for a while until Even was the one who broke the silence.

“That salad looks depressing as fuck,” he teased.

“And your sandwich is so delicious?” Isak said. "A toddler would have made it better.”

“Well certainly better than yours,” Even snorted. “They shouldn’t even be allowed to sell that shit. It’s like what. Four tomatoes, a piece of cucumber and some basic lettuce. And dried cubes of chicken.”

Isak laughed.

“Luckily for you I bought dessert,” Even continued and held up a bag containing a huge chocolate muffin. “You have to finish your food first though,” he finished.

“Oh fuck you!” Isak said and put the cup on the bench next to his feet as Even split the muffin in half and handed the largest piece to Isak.

“Here you go,” Even said with a small smile.

“Thanks,” Isak said.

“Want to listen to some music?” Even asked and brought out his phone and then began digging around in his pocket “Oh fuck I think I forgot my headphones at home,” he continued and shrugged.

“I think I have mine,” Isak said. “I actually listened to your playlist this morning.”

Even’s face lit up in another bright smile.

“You did?” he said, sounding surprised.

“Yeah,” Isak said as he handed Even the headphones who plugged them into his phone. “I really love it.” Isak said.

“I don’t think anyone has ever liked my music before,” Even said as he pressed play and the music began playing in Isak’s ear. “At least not in a while,” he added with a sad smile and looked away from Isak.

Isak swallowed. Whatever it was that made Even sad, Isak really hated seeing him look so miserable and unhappy.

“Maybe they just have bad music taste?” he said.

Even looked at him and laughed, lighting up Isak’s world again.

-

The first person he ran into on Tuesday morning was Mahdi. He hadn’t seen or spoken to him at all since he ditched the boys on Friday. He felt nervous as he approach Mahdi who stood next to his locker in the corridor. He knew they were probably still mad at him. Or at the very least annoyed and frustrated. He understood, he really did, and this time he had no explanations available. They already knew he hadn’t been at home so he couldn’t use that as an excuse.

To be honest, he would have probably felt more comfortable to be confronted with Jonas or even Magnus but with Mahdi he just felt more nervous. Mahdi was still Jonas’ friends and while the two of them hung out all the time as a group with Magnus and Jonas they had never hung out just the two of them. Isak hadn’t been to a lot of the parties Jonas had gone to over the summer which was how he had met Mahdi and befriended him. Isak wasn’t really sure how Mahdi felt about him. After all the bullshit from the last two weeks Isak was pretty sure Mahdi was tired of his crap. Isak couldn’t exactly blame him either. He’d probably be tired of himself to. He just couldn’t be honest. Because if he was everything would change and they would never look at him the same again. He wouldn’t be the same and if he felt alienated by his best friends already, then how would he feel if they learned the truth? He wouldn’t only be poor sick and frail Isak. He’d be gay Isak too.

“Hey…” he said awkwardly.

“Hi…” Mahdi said and looked at Isak briefly before looking away.

“How was your weekend?” Isak tried lamely and readjusted his backpack on his shoulder.

“Good!” Mahdi said, still not looking at Isak fully.

“I…” Isak started, but before he could continue further he was interrupted by Magnus greeting him by slapping him mercilessly from behind.

“Hello!” Magnus said loudly and behind him Jonas walked up to the rest of them.

Thankfully his best friend opted for a more relaxed handshake rather than a slap to the back. Isak watched as his friends greeted each other in a friendly manner and joked around with each other before all eyes turned to him again. It was definitely confrontation time.

“Are you back from the dead now?” Magnus asked, causing Isak to cringe.

“Uh...yeah,” Isak said. “I just wanted to say I’m really sorry about Friday. It was shitty of me to ditch you and then not call you back. Things have just been weird lately. I get that you are angry with me and all, but yeah, I’m sorry.”

“Well we were,” Magnus said bluntly. “Or maybe more annoyed or whatever. Because it was really shitty to ditch us and make people worry about you. But we are over it, right?”

He looked at the other two expectantly. Isak barely had the courage to meet their eyes. Jonas was the first one to speak.

“Yeah!” he said.

Isak looked over to Mahdi. It felt like he had to wait for minutes before Mahdi answered.

“Of course,” he said and smiled sincerely. “No worries!”

Isak smiled in relief but it didn’t last long because as Magnus and Mahdi said goodbye and left Jonas once again turned to him.

“So what happened on Friday?” he asked worriedly.

“Just...things,” Isak lied. “I didn’t feel like doing anything and with dad I didn’t want to be at home. Things are just a little much with mom and being back in school and everything… I just walked around all night.”

Jonas nodded and Isak could tell that Jonas didn’t really believe him.

“But you know you can talk to me, right? About things?” he said.

Now it was Isak’s turn to nod.

“Yeah!” he said. “Sorry again.”

“It’s fine, Isak!” Jonas sighed, tiredly “I just wished you were honest with us. Or at least with me. I just want to help you but lately you’ve been so off.”

Immediately Isak was filled with guilt again for lying to his best friend who only really looked out for him. Jonas had already been through enough shit with Isak during the last year and Isak didn’t deserve a friend like him. Not after everything he had done.

-

A couple of hours later the four of them had lunch together as usual. The boys seemed to be willing to put the last two weeks behind them and Isak was trying to do the same. At the moment he was listening to Magnus talking about a girl he had hooked up with on Saturday and Jonas and Mahdi were discussing an upcoming test in Spanish. Isak only listened half-heartedly to what Magnus was saying, his own thoughts somewhere else when he spotted Even walking into the canteen. He could feel himself tense up as Even spotted him and began walking towards him with determined steps.

As the others spotted Even walking up to them and Jonas and Mahdi stopped their conversation and Magnus looked at Even with big eyes. Isak could feel his heartbeat pick up as Even looked straight at him and grabbed something from his pocket. It was Isak’s headphones. He looked at Even with scared eyes, aware that at least Jonas was looking at him.

“Here,” Even said and looked between all four boys before his eyes stopped at Isak.

Isak felt like a deer caught in headlights as Even looked at him.

“Thanks for letting me borrow them in the library the other day,” he said and Isak let out a breath of relief and only managed to nod in response.

Even shrugged slightly before he turned around and left, leaving Isak’s friend turning towards him with confused looks on their faces.

Isak shrugged and tried his best to sound nonchalant

“He’s someone I met at Eva’s party a few weeks ago. And I saw him in the library the other day and he had forgotten his earphones so he couldn’t do his assignment. I was leaving anyway so I lent them to him.”

Jonas gave him a weird look but didn’t say anything and thankfully Magnus started talking about the weird girl again, finally engaging the others enough so that Isak could let his eyes wander to were Even had disappear.

-

Isak couldn’t stop thinking about Even as he got home after school and he felt bad for lying about him and most of all for making Even feel forced to lie too. He was thinking about texting Even and saying sorry but he had no idea what he would write. He wouldn’t be ashamed to hang out with Even if it wasn’t for the feelings he harboured for him. Those feelings made everything so much more complicated and left Isak with a mix of deep shame and exhilaration.

He just couldn’t be that. Gay. He wasn’t like the dance coach to the dance girls Magnus and the others talked so much about. He didn’t want to wear tights or glitter eyeliner or fake lashes. He didn’t care about Lady Gaga, Madonna or Kim Kardashian. He didn’t spend all his money on clothes or shoes or spent hours watching Project Runway or Top Model. He didn’t want to be like them. So obviously gay that it could be written on their faces. He just wanted to be himself, whatever that meant. But he couldn’t deny that Even made him feel things. Things he hadn’t really felt for anyone. Not even Jonas. It made Isak feel scared and vulnerable. Like he had so much to lose. For all he knew, Even might not even like him back. He could just be a nice and friendly guy looking for a friend at his new school and that person happened to be Isak. The kiss could have meant nothing to Even. Maybe Even just liked listening to music through a shared headset with all his friends and Isak wasn’t special at all. Maybe he bought anyone cinnamon rolls or muffins and shared them. Maybe he took everyone to his favourite spot where he could watch the whole city beneath his feet. Maybe he kissed everyone’s tears away. Maybe this meant nothing to Even. Probably. But for Isak it meant everything.

-

Isak saw Even several times during the rest of the week but it was always from afar and Even didn’t try to approach him again. He spotted Even smoking with a couple of other guys from third year looking as beautiful and hot as ever. Sometimes Even would look back at him with an unreadable look on his face. Isak wanted to walk up to him and talk to him. He wanted to have lunch with him again but the boys were already suspicious about him so he never let his gaze linger for too long.

He still allowed himself to listen to Even’s playlist on Spotify though. Every day to and from school he listened to it. It was far from the music he normally liked but the more he listened the more attached he became to all the songs. The list included everything from NAS to Sia, The verve, Keane, Radiohead, Suede and Imagine Dragons. He had listened to Demons countless of times since he and Even listened to it on the tram. The more he listened to it the more he realised that the lyrics fit so well to how he was feeling. Like he was the song.

Hellbound, that was what Isak felt like he was sometimes. Before he got his heart he had been a ticking bomb or rather a burning rope, soon reaching the end. It felt like he was still there sometimes, still counting on things to go to hell. If it wasn’t his death then it would be something else.

-

Isak made himself dinner once he got home and ate it in front of the TV before he did his homework. He enjoyed being home alone. He left the dishes unwashed and didn’t bother to empty the dishwasher. He would have to do it before his dad came back on Sunday but for now he let it be. Terje was a neatfreak most of the times so Isak took full advantage of the fact that he still had three days without his dad monitoring him or nagging him about cleaning up after himself.

He still couldn’t let go of the thoughts of Even though. Nor the guilt of having made Even forced to lie about them hanging out.

 **Isak 19:14**  
I’m sorry about the other  
day. You didn’t have to lie.  
Things are just complicated.  
I’m sorry. I hope you are okay.

It wasn’t much but at least it was something.

 **Even 19:16**  
Don’t worry about it!  
I’m good. How are you?  
What are you up to? :)

  
**Isak 19:18**  
Just home alone, doing  
homework and watching tv.  
My dad is not at home so I take  
full advantage of not having to  
clean up after myself until he gets back.  
The apartment is a mess. ;)

 **Even 19:18**  
Oh wow, what a rebel  
;)

 **Isak 19:19**  
Yeah, I feel like I’ll  
regret it later though.  
When I wake up on sunday  
and have to speed clean last minute :)

 **Even 19:20**  
Haha I don’t envy you.  
Though it is always nice  
to be home alone :)

 **Isak 19:23**  
What are your plans  
for the weekend? Wanna hang out?

Isak sent the text before he could regret it and waited nervously for a reply. He hadn’t made any plans with the boys because Jonas was going to visit his grandparents, Magnus had promised to be home with his mom and Mahdi was going to a birthday party at an old friend’s house. Isak wouldn’t have minded spending the weekend alone but if there was a chance he could get to see Even without any lies he would take it. If Even wanted to see him that is.

The minutes trailed by without Even replying and after watching the screen frantically for several minutes he threw the phone beside him on the sofa. Once again he was filled with some sort of disappointment.

He was halfway through an online match of Fifa when he finally received a new text. He barely had time to pause the game before he dropped the controller in his lap and reached for his phone. A smile spread on his face as he read the text Even had sent him.

 **Even 19:43**  
I would love to!  
I’ll cook something for  
you! No more sad pasta  
salad :D

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading. I really hope you liked it. As always it would mean alot if you let me know what you thought <3 Things are heating up between Even and Isak after their kiss but Isak is still trying to come to terms with his feelings for Even. And did you expect Eskild to make an apperance? You probably did because of the tags but I new from the beginning that Isak needed Eskild in his life despite not living with him :D


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so so sorry that it has taken me so long to update. I never intended for it to happen.But I've been busy with uni and I've also been in some kind of funk with regards to my writing where I don't feel motivated to write or that my writing is any good. Sometimes it just feels like no one reads what you are writing and with so many remakes airing it feels like fewer people read. I do hope some of you still wants to read this even if I've not updated in ages. I really enjoy writng and I'm so excited by this story. I just need to find motivation and confidence again. I'm sorry I've not replied to your comments. As soon as this is up I'll reply to all of them. 
> 
> They mean the world to me and I appreciate all of you who read, comment and leave kudos.

Isak felt nervous and excited the whole day on Friday. When he saw Even in the canteen he couldn’t help but smile, despite knowing that Jonas would probably notice. Even Mahdi and Magnus seemed to notice that he was acting weirdly.

“Did you smoke in the bathroom or something?” Magnus asked.

“What? No?” Isak snorted. “I don’t even smoke. You know that.”

“Well you are smiling at yourself and it is creeping me out,” Magnus said. “Like you are never this happy. You are like a broody Edward Cullen…”

Both Mahdi and Jonas looked at Magnus.

“Wow, Mags,” Jonas said with a smirk. “Edward Cullen?”

“What? I’ve watched it with my sister,” Magnus said. “Besides it is true. If only you had darker hair.”

Isak rolled his eyes and both Jonas and Mahdi laughed.

“But seriously. What are you happy about?” Magnus prodded. “Do you have a date with Emma or something? Is that why you ditched us last week?”

Isak cringed inwardly. He did not want to think about Emma. It was just that if he did have a date with Emma that would have been so much easier. It was what they expected from him. He cast one last look in Even’s direction, without smiling this time.

“No, I don’t have a date with Emma,” he said.

-

Despite being mostly excited to hang out with Even it also made Isak feel a little stressed. They had not agreed on a time or anything and now Isak was internally panicking about it. He didn’t want to risk the two of them running into the boys or even worse, Emma. Should he just text Even and ask him to come directly to Isak’s house? But that would also be weird and it would probably hurt Even’s feelings even more. He spent the last 30 minutes of his class trying to analyse the different scenarios that were possible. He wanted to act casual around Even and not make a big deal of it like he had in the canteen the other day, but he really didn’t want to run into anyone he knew. The boys were already suspicious about his behaviour and the last thing he needed was them spotting him with Even.

**Even 14:46**  
Got out of class a  
little early. I’ll wait  
for you in the bathroom  
next to the canteen  
can’t wait <3

Isak felt warm as he read the text from Even, smiling to himself as he quickly replied.

**14:47**  
I’ll be there soon <3

-

As soon as the teacher finished the class Isak wasted no time collecting his things and shoving them inside his backpack. He ran past his locker to leave a few books and then hurried towards the bathroom.

Even was leaning against the sinks looking at his phone when Isak entered, locking the door behind him but when he heard Isak walk in he looked up and smiled happily. Isak readjusted his backpack, suddenly feeling even more nervous. Even was dressed in black jeans, a grey hoodie and jean jacket.

“Hey,” Even said and put away his phone. “How are you?”

“Hi,” Isak said and took a few steps closer, stopping right in front of Even.“I’m good. You?”

“I’m good too,” Even said with a smile.

He reached out and grabbed Isak’s forearm, pulling Isak closer and letting their forehead touch. Isak looked down at their joint hands before meeting Even’s eyes again. For a few moments Even just looked at him as he moved his thumb across Isak’s eyebrow. Then Even closed his eyes and kissed Isak on the lips. Isak could feel himself gasp slightly as he kissed Even back.

“You have no idea how long I’ve been wanting to do this!” Even breathed as the two of the broke apart. “You are so fucking beautiful.”

No one had ever called Isak beautiful before and hearing Even say it with so much seriousness and sincerity just after kissing Isak like that, left Isak breathless. Isak smiled shyly and wasted no time in moving in for another kiss, feeling Even smile as he rubbed his nose softly against Even. They kissed and nose rubbed a few more times before letting their foreheads rest against each other again.

“Are you ready to leave?” Even asked softly as he played with the few strands of Isak’s hair sticking out underneath his snapback.

Isak nodded.

-

The corridor was almost empty when they left the bathroom and Isak couldn’t help feeling relieved. This way it was less chance of them running into someone. They walked next to each other in silence towards the tram stop and as they left the school behind him Isak could feel himself getting more relaxed and the nervousness he had felt inside the school building was replaced with excitement. He had no idea what they were going to do but he felt so happy to get to hang out with Even again.

They took the tram, just like they had done the previous week. The tram was almost full so they were forced to stand close together, sharing the same pole for support. Even smiled at him wildly.

“Do you have a grocery store close by?” he asked.

“Uh,” Isak said. “I guess. Why?”

Even laughed.

“If I’m going to cook for you we need to have groceries.”

Isak blushed.

“Right,” he said. “Yeah there is a small one pretty close by. My dad does most of the shopping online. He doesn’t like spending time in the grocery store after work so he just has someone else do it for him and deliver it to the door.”

“Wow,” Even said. “My mother would love that. But that is not something she would spend money on.”

“Yeah my dad likes to spend money so he has time to work even more,” Isak said.

He shrugged slightly and grabbed the pole tighter as the tram came to a stop. Even put his hand on his back as the two of them got off. It only took them a few minutes to reach the grocery store which was situated only two blocks from Isak’s apartment. Isak mostly followed Even but figured he needed to pick up something for breakfast too. He filled the basket with yoghurt, granola, fresh blueberries, and a pack of eggs. That would last him the weekend until his dad came back. Even was enthusiastic as he strolled between the aisles but in the end he ended up with only spaghetti, olive oil, garlic and chili.

“Is that it?” Isak asked suspiciously and looked down at the four items Even had in his own basket.

“You’ll see,” Even said and made a failed attempt to blink with one eye, making his whole face scrunch up. It was adorable.

15 minutes later Isak unlocked the door to the apartment and let Even in. He had spent an hour yesterday to clean up and make the place a little more presentable.

“Welcome,” Isak said uncomfortably.

He didn’t like bringing people over because frankly this had never felt like his own home. They took off their shoes and jackets before Isak led Even into the kitchen. He put the bag on the counter and began putting the groceries away. Even looked around the room in silence. It was all stainless steel clean lines, with the flashiest appliances which was ironic since neither Terje or Isak liked to cook.

“This kitchen is so nice,” he said.

“I guess,” Isak said. “It was newly renovated when my dad bought the apartment.”

“I see,” Even said. “How long have you lived here?”

“Since january I think,” Isak said. “Dad bought it after he and mom split, and I really didn’t have a choice to move in with him. My mom wasn’t fit to look after me.”

“Right,” Even said seriously. “I see you have cleaned up. Very nice. I had prepared myself for mayhem but this is very tidy. Did you do it all for me?” he added jokingly.

“Oh shut up,” Isak muttered as Even walked up to him and put his hands on Isak’s waist and kissed him tenderly.

-

“We should probably start dinner,” Even mumbled an hour later as the two of them were lazily making out and snuggling on the couch.

“No,” Isak answered and kissed Even again. “Not yet. Besides don’t you mean you should start dinner?”

He could feel Even smile as they kissed.

“No you need to be my assistant,” Even said and looked Isak deep into the eyes as he leaned over him. “I promise you it will be really delicious,” he continued as he stood up from the couch and held out a hand for Isak to help him up.

Isak accepted Even’s hand and let Even pull most of his weight until he was standing. He could spend the whole evening with Even on the couch but he let Even drag him towards the kitchen and brought out everything the other boy ordered him to.

“Can you slice six cloves of garlic?” Even asked as he filled the pot with water for the pasta.

“Slice?” Isak asked. “What do you mean?”

Even smiled at him.

“Yeah slice,” he said. “Just like you slice anything.”

“Can’t you just crush it?” Isak said. “That’s what I do.”

“No that is not the same thing,” Even said firmly. “It needs to be thin slices. I’ll do the chili.”

“Okay,” Isak said uncertainly and began cutting the garlic into thin slices.

Even did the same to the chili and then put the garlic in a saucepan with heaps of olive oil.   
“Do you like cooking?” Isak asked as he sat down on the counter and watched Even work.

“I do,” Even smiled. “I cook a lot at home actually. Me and my dad like to cook together and create new recipes. My mom hates cooking so dad and I sort of take care of it most of the time. And I don’t mind it.”

“That’s nice,” Isak said.

“Okay but now you need to listen,” Even said. “Now that everything is almost ready you need to add a bit of pasta water to the oil and garlic. And then we are going to mix everything together. The starch makes everything come together.”

“Wow,” Isak joked. “You sound like a proud Italian chef.”

Even laughed and put the last bit of pasta into the pan and tossed it around.

“Well, dinner is served,” he said and pulled Isak down from the counter and into another kiss.

“It smells really nice,” Isak complimented and handed Even their plates so that Even could fill them with pasta.

They sat down together at the kitchen table which Isak had set and decorated with a few candles from the living room.

“This is really nice,” Isak said after the first bite.

Even looked at him with a smile.

“See?” he said. “I told you it would be nice.”

“Well usually I’d add all sorts of things, like chicken and cream and spices to the pasta,” Isak said as he twirled the spaghetti around his fork.

“Yeah that is also nice. Sometimes I like to make something quick and easy like this but I also like trying different things. Dad and I used to spend hours in the kitchen together. We’d look up recipes but we would never follow them in the end.” Even said. “Don’t let any Italian know that though.”

“Wow,” Isak said. “The closest my dad would get is buying a jar of pesto and add to the pasta or buy a tomato sauce. Or he’d buy frozen meatballs and fry in a pan. Once when he was in a hurry he burnt the fish fingers in the pan and all we had for dinner was instant mash, mayonnaise and cucumber sticks. Now he’s become a take out sort of guy. And mom, was never really good at it either. Not terrible but like she had her staples that she always did. Chicken drumsticks with curry and rice, spaghetti bolognese, jacked potatoes, pancakes and that kind of stuff. They’d never spend more time in the kitchen than necessary. Even less letting me help them and make a mess.”

Even looked at him fondly.

“I’ll teach you how to cook.” he said.   
“You would?” Isak asked with a smile.

“Yeah,” Even said. “Of course. Even if you’ll make a mess.”

Isak didn’t want Even to leave and go home. He wanted to stay with Even in this bubble forever. After dinner they watch a movie on the couch, snuggling closely together. It was some kind of weird film that Even picked out but Isak didn’t mind at all. Even kept talking over the film as he played with Isak’s hair and Isak just listened to the softness of Even’s voice.

When the movie ended they moved into Isak’s bedroom and curled up together on Isak’s bed. It was getting late but it seemed like Even had no plans of leaving just yet. They had been laying in silence for a while now, Isak with his head on Even’s shoulder and his hand resting on Even’s chest. Even had borrowed one of his hoodies and he looked warm and snuggly in it.

“How am I supposed to leave this bed?” Even commented. “This is the nicest bed I’ve ever tried.”

“You don’t have to leave,” Isak said. “You can stay here forever.”

“Forever?” Even mumbled sleepily.

“Forever,” Isak said.

“There’s nothing I’d rather do,” Even sighed. “I’ve never felt like this before.”

“Me neither,” Isak said and curled even closer to Even and let him wrap his arms tighter around Isak’s body.

He tilted his head and met Even’s lips. They kissed for a couple of minutes until Isak ended up lying on Even’s chest again. It was true that he had never felt like this before. Not even when he was in love with Jonas. That love had been one sided and so, so painful, full of shame and hurt. With Even it was so different and the fact that Even for some reason liked him back, only made Isak’s feelings twice as strong. It also made Isak think about how he couldn’t keep hiding Even away forever. Not if he wanted to keep having this with him. And he wanted to. Right now it felt as if his life depended on it.

“Are you out to people?” Isak asked carefully. “You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to I just…”

“It’s okay, Isak” Even said and kissed Isak’s hair. “I am out.”

“And how… how did it go when you came out?” Isak continued nervously.

Even sighed and pulled Isak closer.

“I didn’t really come out. Not on the terms I wanted to.”

“Oh, were you outed?” Isak asked and clutched Even’s hand tightly.

It took awhile for Even to answer.

“I wasn’t outed either,” he sighed. “It’s just complicated.”

Isak could tell that Even didn’t want to talk about it so he kissed Even’s cheek gently.

“Another time,” he said.

“Yeah,” Even said and looked at Isak with a grateful smile. “Another time.”

They stayed silent for a few minutes before Isak spoke again.

“I’m scared of what people will think,” he said sadly. “I’m scared that I’ll lose my friends and I’m scared of them looking at me differently. I’m scared that my mom will hate me forever. I feel like I can’t tell anyone because I’m scared and sometimes I hate myself because I know that things will change and I want to still be me. But I already feel like I’m not me anymore and I’m scared that if I like boys that will make me someone I’m not. I don’t know how to even explain it. At the same time I feel like I’m suffocating because I’m constantly ignoring my feelings and put up walls and it’s so exhausting.”

“You don’t have to do anything you are not ready for,” Even answered. “But I do think that the people that love you will love you no matter what. You will still be you and that won’t change. And you don’t have to put any labels or anything. But you deserve to feel good about yourself and be happy. You deserve to feel like you can breathe.”

“Everything is so much easier when I’m with you,” Isak confessed. “I don’t think about stuff like that when I’m with you.”

“That’s really good,” Even said and kissed Isak’s hair again.

“My friend Eskild sort of knows already,” Isak said after a little while. “I’ve sort of told him.”

 

“ _Eskild?”_

_“Yeah?”_

_It was the third time this week that Eskild had visited him in hospital. Isak was going to be allowed to go home in just a week and as everything looked good his dad had decided to give him more space and had returned to work. Eskild still visited as often as possible though and often came in to cheer Isak up before or after work._

_“I....I think…. I think I love boys,” Isak said and looked down at the blanket that covered his legs and his hand that rested on top of the soft fabric._

_He didn’t dare to meet Eskild’s eyes and felt himself panicking internally until Eskild placed his hand on top of Isak’s, making Isak feel brave enough to look at him again._

_“That’s okay, Isak,” Eskild said._

_“It’s not,” Isak said. “I can’t. I’m in love with Jonas and if he finds out he’ll hate me or he’ll never look at me the same again. And if my mom finds out she’ll hate me too.”_

_“She won’t and neither will Jonas. I’ve seen how much they both love and care for you.”_

_Isak shook his head and blinked rapidly. He didn’t want to cry but he couldn’t stop the tears from falling down his face. He wanted to believe that Eskild was right. That it wouldn’t matter but he knew it would. It would matter and if they knew it would change everything._

_“You can’t tell anyone,” he said._

_“I promise, Isak,” Eskild said and wrapped Isak up in a careful hug._

“That’s really good, Isak,” Even said. “He seems like a nice friend.”

Isak let his fingers intertwine with Even’s and rested his head on Even’s shoulder. He stayed like that for a little while before he spoke.

“He is,” was all Isak managed to say.

Another time he would tell Even everything he wasn’t ready to talk about yet. Another time he would let go of his fears and his shame. But right now he just wanted to be Isak. The real Isak he only really felt like in Even’s company. Even didn’t know so he didn’t treat Isak differently or looked at him as if he was broken. Deep down Isak knew that his friends didn’t mean to but he still felt like they did. Between his dad’s overbearing behaviour, his mother’s fanatic texts, Jonas’ constant worried glances and Emma’s weird obsession about him, Isak felt exhausted. Having these moments with Even felt like a lifeline.

-

When Isak woke up it was to a cold and empty bed. It took awhile for him to register that Even was no longer there. Eventually they had fallen asleep together but now it seemed that Even had left before Isak woke up. He was still wearing the hoodie from last night and he didn’t bother trying to find a pair of pants. The apartment was completely empty and the only evidence that Even had even been there was the mess in the kitchen. Isak sighed as he opened the fridge door and poured himself a glass of juice. Everything had been so good yesterday that he had fallen asleep believing that Even would be there in the morning. With a disappointed sigh he sat down at the kitchen table and drank his orange juice. He felt stupid for believing that Even wouldn’t leave. Everything had felt so good last night and Isak had felt happier than in a long time.

He finished his orange juice before moving on to do the dishes. Last night he and Even had just left things as they were in favour of snuggling and making out together. Now the remains of yesterday's dinner felt like a small punch in the stomach. He had just begun rinsing everything and putting it in the dishwasher when a shrill sound from the doorbell broke the silence. He put down the plate he was holding and made his way towards the door. When he looked through the peephole all he could see was a brown paper bag and he frown slightly before Even’s face appeared in front of him, a huge grin spreading from ear to ear.

Isak hurriedly opened the door to let Even in. Even was carrying a bag from the bakery a few blocks away. He smiled when he saw Isak looking at him in surprise and put one hand under Isak’s chin, tilting his face up slightly and pecking his lips.

“You didn’t think I was going to leave right?” he said.

Isak didn’t answer, just threw his arms around Even’s neck and kissed him deeply.

-

The rest of the day was just them enjoying a nice breakfast, drinking coffee in the living room and lying on Isak’s bed for hours. It was raining outside, which made lying in bed next to Even even better. It was as if the outside world was gone and it was just the two of them. Isak enjoyed lying on Even’s chest and feeling Even’s slow and even breaths. Even rubbed his back up and down with gentle motions and his other hand was resting on top of Isak’s. They had been quite for a long time now.

“What are you thinking about?” Isak asked.   
Even didn’t answer immediately but tenderly brushed his fingers against Isak’s hair. Isak closed his eyes and pressed his nose into Even’s neck, feeling Even press a kiss to the top of his head.

“That I want to make a movie about you,” Even said eventually.

Isak opened his eyes again and tilted his head back to look Even in the eyes.

“About me?” he asked.

“Yeah,” Even said quietly.

“Sounds like a boring movie,” Isak said with a smile. “No one would watch a movie about me…”

“That’s where you are wrong,” Even said and hugged Isak tighter. “I’d make the most interesting movie out there. Everyone would watch it. I’d make you famous.”

“Wow,” isak said. “Someone is confident!”

“You don’t believe me?” Even laughed. “It will happen. You’ll see!”

“Okay…” Isak said, rolling his eyes.

“Why are you being so doubtful?” Even said as he sat up in bed and started to leave.

“No… don’t go,” Isak whined and tried to grab Even’s wrist to force him to lie back down again..

“I need to pee,” Even said softly.

“No!” Isak repeated.

“Baby, I’ve been wanting to pee for the past hour. Besides we need to eat dinner, don’t you think?”

“Can’t we order take out?” Isak said and reluctantly let go of Even’s arm. He sank down to the bed again and moved his body into the spot were Even had layed just moments ago. “I don’t want to go to the grocery store. I just want to lie here with you.”

“I’ll be back soon, and then we’ll make up some sort of plan,” Even said.

“Just hurry up,” Isak muttered. “It’s cold without you.”

-

“I’m not good for you,” Even whispered into the darkness.

A few hours had past and they had gone out to buy thai food and ice cream for dessert, shared the food in front of the TV before going back to Isak’s bed to eat the ice cream.

“What are you talking about?” Isak said and swallowed thickly staring into the pitch black room.

He could feel Een’s body next to him and fumbled in the darkness for Even’s hand.

“I’m toxic,” Even said and didn’t make a move when Isak put his hand on top of Even’s. “I hurt everyone I touch. One way or another.”

“Why are you saying this?” Isak asked.

He could vaguely make out Even’s silhouette now. The other boy was lying on his back, undoubtedly staring up at the ceiling. Isak moved closer and hesitantly placed a hand on Even’s moving chest on the very same spot he had been resting on earlier during the day.

“Talk to me. You can tell me anything.”

“I’m bipolar,” Even said.

“Okay,” Isak said, trying to sound calm and reassure both himself and Even that it didn’t matter.

He didn’t know much about bipolar disorder but it was one of the diagnosis he had come across when he had googled in attempt to find answers to his mother’s behaviour. Before she got a diagnosis from a real doctor and all Isak had to rely on was wikipedia and different medical sites. The thought made him scared because if Even’s illness was anything like his mum’s it could be really bad sometimes and he didn’t want to imagine Even going off like his mother used to do, to a point where the he would be unrecognisable and so far gone that nothing could reach him.

Even was looking at him with scared eyes as if he was expecting the worst from Isak at this point and it made Isak wonder how many times Even had been faced with this kind of confrontation. How many people he had told and how many people had judged him for it. Just like Isak constantly judged his own mother for her illness when it wasn’t something she could control. It made him hate himself a bit and even more for making Even feel like this at this very moment. Even wasn’t his mom and they weren’t the same and even if Even’s confession made him scared he needed to remember that. He reached out and touched Even’s cheek.

“That doesn’t make you a toxic person,” he said, trying to sound reassuring and trying to block the bad thoughts in his head. “You are amazing and you are the farthest from toxic a person can be.”

“You don’t know me,” Even said numbly. “If you knew you wouldn’t be saying all these things. I hurt everyone around me. And I’ll end up hurting you too. So badly you’ll never want to talk to me again. Because that is what I always do.”

“I don’t believe you,” Isak tried. “I’ve not felt this happy in a long time and it’s because of how amazing you are.”

“I…” Even started, sounding sad and broken and tired.

“We don’t have to talk about it right now,” Isak reassured. “Let’s just sleep.”

“Okay,” Even said.

Isak smiled and moved even closer to Even, wrapping his arms around Even’s waist.

“Good night,” he said.

“Good night, Isak,” Even murmured.

Sometime during the night or early morning Even slipped out of Isak’s arms and silently left the apartment. When Isak woke up the next morning to an empty bed he knew that Even wasn’t going to come back this time. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you again for reading, the ones that are still here :) It would mean alot if you wanted to leave a comment! 
> 
> What do you think will happen next?


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there! I'm so sorry it's been so long. I never thought it would take me four months to update and I'm really sorry it did. I've not written a single word all summer and the months have just flown by. Sometimes it feels like I might not be able to finish this story but on the other hand I have so many plans for future fics too. It all depends on my mood I guess. What I will say is that I'm going to try my best to finish this fic because the last thing I want is to leave something unfinished. 
> 
> I hope there are some people left, wanting to read this story. If not finishing it will feel rather pointless I guess. But I'll try to even if there are not many people still reading after all this time. 
> 
> This chapter is a bit heavy at times and deals with some heavy themes, including death and Isak's not so healthy view on mental illness. 
> 
> This is rather rough as I'm anxious to get this out there. I'll find so many typos etc once I have a read through in a few days and I'll update the chapter then. Until then please be patient <3

He called Even twice on sunday morning before giving up and going on a run instead. It had been a different kind of disappointed waking up and realising Even was gone the second time around. This time he knew something he hadn’t known before. It didn’t feel like Even had abandoned him. He knew Even hadn’t. Even had removed himself from Isak because he believed he was toxic and that he was going to hurt him.  
Isak wasn’t going to let it happen he decided as he ran. He wouldn’t let Even distance himself. Not when everything had been so good between them and Even was the only person Isak felt like himself around. His heart clenched painfully as he thought about how low Even thought about himself and how broken he had sounded yesterday. He wanted to see Even smile again and make him realise how amazing he was and that there couldn’t possibly be anything toxic about him. He may have only known Even for a month but he that much he knew. And he wanted to be there for Even.

He sent Even another text as soon as he got him from his run. And then another one a few hours later. One as he had dinner with his dad in front of the tv and one as he took his meds in the bathroom at 19.00. He sent a couple just before he got to bed and then one final at two in the morning as he struggled to fall asleep.

 **Isak 11:05**  
Can we talk? <3

 **Isak 14:12**  
I hope you are okay

 **Isak 18:29**  
I’m here if you want to talk  
to someone <3

 **Isak 19:01**  
Please don’t shut me out.

 **Isak 22:59**  
Even I care about you so much  
And I’m here for you <3

 **Isak 23:03**  
Please let me know you  
are okay. <3 I really miss you.

 **Isak 01:54**  
I’m sorry. I won’t bother  
you anymore.  
Just let me know you  
are okay. I care about  
you and I want to  
be with you. <3 <3

As he lay awake late at night he googled the word bipolar. He wanted to understand and be able to support Even but the more he read the more scared he got. It was terrifying to read about how manic episodes could escalate and make the person do reckless and dangerous things and that it could be so much worse than a person just being exhilarated and having an elevated mood. He couldn’t imagine Even doing something that could put himself in danger. As he continued to read he stumbled on a sentence that made him go ice cold.

Sometimes with severe episodes of mania or depression a person may experience psychosis or psychotic symptoms such as hallucinations and delusions.

And just like that he was thrown back a year to the most intense period of his mother’s own psychosis and the endless days and nights where she would scream and cry at the voices in her head or the things only she could see or feel. He could still hear her voice full of fear as she clawed against her own skin or tore at her ears. He remembered her warnings about the government or even the neighbours spying on them or about the rats that hid behind the walls. Worst of all was her heightened believe in god and the apocalypse because that always seemed so directed towards him, as if she knew about all his sins. Because it was just him that got the bible verses sent and the long rants about the end of the world, god’s love and washing one’s sins away.

He didn’t know if he could watch Even like that. He wasn’t strong enough to watch his mother lose touch with reality and he didn’t think he could do it with another person. It was just too hard. And he wasn’t strong enough.

With a lump in his throat he continued reading, not able to close the tab just yet. He thought the scariest part was Even losing sense of reality just like his mother but the more he read about the depressive episodes the more he realised that there were far scarier things that could happen to Even. Things he didn’t even want to think about.

-

It felt like he had barely slept at all when he woke up on monday morning to his alarm blaring loudly. Despite being exhausted his body felt restless and anxious and he really didn’t want to go to school. Even hadn’t replied yet and Isak had a sinking feeling that he wouldn’t and that Even probably wouldn’t be in school either.

His dad looked as stressed as usual when Isak entered the kitchen and when he saw Isak he frowned deepened. He looked at Isak worriedly.

“How are you feeling?” he pressed.

“Fine,” Isak sighed, despite the anxiousness threatening to spill over any second.

He was exhausted and knew he looked horrible from the lack of sleep but right now he couldn’t stand his dad worrying about him.

“Are you sure? Have you been sleeping properly?” Terje continued. “You need to sleep properly. You know how important it is that you stay healthy.”

“I said I’m fine,” Isak snapped. “Stop asking all the time it’s driving me crazy.”

“I’m...I’m just looking out for you,” Terje sighed. “I’m sorry.”

Isak moved past him to get to the fridge where he got himself some yoghurt and a glass of juice. Well aware that his dad was watching him the entire time.

“What?” he said and looked up.

“I just…” Terje started and put down his coffee mug in the sink. “About what Ingrid said…”

Isak closed his eyes.

“Have you thought about it at all?” Terje asked.

“Do we have to talk about it right now?” Isak said and sank down by the table.

Terje looked like he wanted to protest but instead he shook his head.

“No, of course not. I don’t mean to pressure you. I just want you to know that you don’t have to do anything you are not ready for. You don’t owe anybody anything and I want you to do what is best for you. And if you want to talk about it later we-”  
He knew his dad was trying to be the supportive dad he thought Isak wanted and needed but Terje carrying now only made Isak annoyed. Isak wasn’t in the mood for Terje’s worried dad act. He wasn’t in the mood to discuss this or even think about.

“I’ve already told Ingrid I’m fine with them contacting me,” he said.

“Oh,” Terje said. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I don’t know,” Isak snapped. “Maybe because you weren’t at home. Maybe because you didn’t ask until know? Maybe because I don’t want your opinion on everything in the world.”

“Isak…” Terje said, voice suddenly sounding sad as covered his eyes with his hands and rubbed them tiredly. “I’m sorry. I really am. For everything.”

His dad looked genuinely sorry but Isak was too tired for apologies and sob stories. Especially today.

“Yeah okay. It’s fine,” he sighed.

-

He showed up in school an hour later. As it had gotten colder during the mornings fewer students lingered outside waiting for classes to start and Isak walked past the bench he had Even had had lunch on a few days back. He felt a stab in his chest at the memory and brought up his phone again. At this point he would be happy if Even had even read his messages. He was so busy staring into his phone in disappointment that he didn’t even notice Jonas walk up to him until his best friend was standing right next to him.

“Oh, hi” Isak said as he looked up and saw Jonas study him worriedly.

“Hey,” Jonas said. “Everything okay?” he continued and gestured towards the phone in Isak’s hand.

Isak pushed the phone back into his pocket hastily and nodded.

“Yeah everything is fine.”

Jonas nodded, clearly not convinced.

“So how was your weekend? Did you do anything special?” he asked as they entered the building and made their way up the stairs.

“Not really,” Isak lied, feeling a pang of guilt at labeling his weekend with Even as nothing special when it had meant everything to Isak.

Once again Jonas remained silent but Isak knew that he didn’t believe him. Over the years Jonas had become better and better at seeing through Isak’s lies and bullshit. Now days it was just a matter of Jonas being too tired to call him out on it. Because all Isak did was lie and lie and lie. Eventually Jonas would be fed up with him, Isak thought. Because he never ever gave Jonas anything back.

“How was your grandparents?” Isak said, quickly changing the subject as they reached the row of lockers where Isak had his.

“They were good,” Jonas confirmed and leaned against the locker next to Isak’s.

He didn’t say anything else as Isak struggled to get his locker to open.

“I guess I’ll see you at lunch?” Jonas said once Isak had gathered all his things.

Isak nodded.

“Yeah, see you at lunch.”

Isak watched Jonas’ back as his best friend walked down the corridor to his own locker, greeting a few of his classmates along the way. With a sigh Isak brought up his phone again. Even had not replied yet.

-

With every day that passed Isak’s worry grew and he felt more and more desperate. He couldn’t sleep at night and every morning he woke up feeling anxious and uneasy. He texted Even every day even if Even kept ignoring him. His worry and insomnia made him restless and irritated and unable to concentrate in his classes.

By thursday he was falling apart completely. His dad had noticed him skipping breakfast in the morning for the second day in a row and they had argued about it. Even these small arguments were starting to take a toll on him and only served to highlight his bad mood. He had forgotten all about his assignment in Norwegian that was due today and the test in chemistry they had in the morning and knew he had done terribly. By lunch time he felt like he was minutes away from a breakdown.

He was picking at his food, feeling way too nauseous for even just one bite, well aware that Jonas was casting him worried glances every other second and that Mahdi was starting to notice too. The only one who didn’t seem to notice was Magnus because he was busy talking about Vilde which he had done at every opportunity he had gotten this past week. Right now he was talking about Vilde’s latest instagram picture and the comment of his she had liked. Apparently she had also liked a picture of his from a few days ago which in Magnus eyes was a sign that she liked him back and Isak had to keep himself from rolling his eyes at how fucking naive Magnus was. Most of all he hated how excited Magnus was when he was talking about his crush when Even had just disappeared after telling Isak he was toxic and in the process leaving Isak with a heart smashed into pieces and a worry that completely made him unable to function. He was tired, his head hurt and Magnus voice was too loud and happy.

“I mean it gotta mean something right?” Magnus said for the fifth time in ten minutes. “She liked my comment and then like five minutes later she liked a picture of mine. And not even the latest picture but a picture from several days ago. So she must have looked at my profile. And today when we saw each other in the hallway she smiled at me. I-”

“Can you please shut up about Vilde for just a second. I’m fed up about hearing you talk about her all the fucking time,” Isak snapped.

Magnus stopped talking and looked at him in surprise, hurt forming on his face. Jonas and Mahdi looked at Isak with disapproval. Isak was immediately filled with guilt because Magnus looked like a kicked puppy.

_Jonas visited him every day, both at the hospital and once Isak had been released but had to stay at home to recover. Isak longed for those moments where Jonas would show up because they were easily the best part of his days. The visits from Eskild were nice but often a little too emotional and even though Eva visited him sometimes despite everything that happened between them, her visits were laced with awkwardness and guilt. It was different with Jonas. Jonas would simply turn up after school and tell Isak about his day, he would do his homework in Isak’s room or they would watch netflix together. Sometimes he would stay for dinner much to Isak’s parents happiness. No matter what they he never let Isak get too deep inside his head._

_Isak was in the living room on his computer when the doorbell rang. He had been home for about a week now and so far his recovery had been steady. His dad had gone back to work part time which meant that Isak had a couple of hours alone every day. It was nice to be alone after spending so many weeks in the hospital constantly being monitored but the hours to himself also allowed him to think a lot more. The doorbell was a nice interruption because he knew that Jonas was finally here. When he opened the door though, he spotted Magnus standing there next to him, a small but uncertain smile on his lips._

_“Hey, man. I hope that it is okay that Magnus came with me. We talked about during spanish and-”_

_“I realised that I hadn’t visited you since you came home which is pretty shitty,” Magnus filled in, the shy smile remaining on his lips. “We are friends after all.”_

_“Yeah of course, come in,” Isak smiled as he stepped aside to let his two friends in._

_He hadn’t expected JOnas to bring anyone else and he certainly didn’t expect Magnus to want to visit but to be honest it felt pretty nice to have Magnus here._

_“It’s really good to see you again,” Magnus said and gave Isak a quick hug. “How are you?”_

_“I’m good,” Isak said. “Really good, actually.”_

_Jonas smiled at him as Isak led them inside, as if to check if Isak really was okay. Isak smiled back and gave Jonas a small shrug. Today was a good day._

_“I actually bought you something” Magnus said once they once they sat down in the living room and Isak had made them some coffee._

_“You did?” Isak asked in surprise._

_“It’s just something small,” Magnus said quickly and reached for his backpack on the floor. “Here!”_

_He handed Isak a small box wrapped in blue and silver wrapping paper. Isak carefully opened the package only to find a rubik's cube inside._

_“Thank you,” he said and looked at Magnus._

_“Do you like it?” Magnus said._  
_Isak felt weirdly touched by the small object in his hand. Most of all that Magnus had actually bought him something and had specifically thought about something that Isak might like._

_“I know it is just small and you might think it is stupid or you really hate these stuff but I know you are really smart so maybe you would enjoy it,” Magnus rambled nervously._

_“It’s great, Mags,” Isak said and looked up at his friend. “Thank you!”_

 

Magnus continued to look at him with hurt eyes, and beside him Mahdi sighed deeply.

“Sorry,” Isak mumbled without even looking at Magnus.

He quickly stood up and left the table. He had not even left the cafeteria when he felt Jonas hand on his arm stopping him.

“What?” he exclaimed as he turned around and faced his best friend.

“What the hell was that?” Jonas asked.

“Nothing,” Isak said.

“Stop with the fucking bullshit,” Jonas said. “Stop lying to me. You’ve been behaving weirdly all week and now you have a go at Magnus for talking about Vilde? Talk to me!”

Jonas gave him a pleading look and his voice changed from annoyed to concerned.

“I don’t want to talk!” Isak said angrily. “I just want people to stop nagging me every fucking minute of my life. I’m fine, okay? Stop asking all the time.”

Jonas sighed but at least he didn’t look sad like Magnus. But maybe that was just because he was so used to everything Isak put him through. Why did he even put up with it to begin with?

Isak couldn’t look Jonas in the eyes. He didn’t deserve him at all. He probably didn’t deserve Magnus and Mahdi either and after today Magnus probably never wanted to talk to him again. As he looked away from Jonas he spotted Even walking in the other end of the corridor. For a second everything stopped moving and Isak’s chest clenched painfully as they looked at each other. Even looked just as bad as Isak felt, and even from afar Isak could see how tired he looked. As if he was completely drenched from energy. Still, Isak was relieved to see him back in school because that meant that Isak could reach out to him. He wasn’t going to let Even ignore him now. Isak didn’t have time to think about the fact that he was leaving a confused Jonas behind him as he half ran towards Even, trying to catch up with him. He didn’t care that Jonas or anyone else could see him.

Even looked taken aback when Isak caught up with him and even more exhausted. He stopped in his track and looked around nervously.

“Hi,” Isak said, feeling slightly out of breath.

“Hey,” Even replied tiredly.

“Can we talk?” Isak asked.

“Isak…” Even said, sounding hollow and broken.

“Please?” Isak begged.

Even looked like he wanted to protest at first but then he nodded.

“We could go somewhere?” Isak suggested as he noticed Even looking around them again as if the crowded halls and the students overwhelmed him.

“Yeah okay,” Even murmured.

Isak was aware that Jonas was watching him as he and Even walked out of the school building but at the moment all that matter was that Even was back.

-

“How have you been?” Isak asked ten minutes later.

He and Even were sitting on a bench in the park a short distance from Nissen. Neither of them had talked on the way over and now they were sitting next to each other, Even looking down at the ground and Isak studying Even’s face worriedly.

“Okay,” Even said. “I’m okay, Isak.”

“I was worried about you,” Isak said. “When you left and didn’t reply to my texts. And I read some things online that...” he couldn’t continue, suddenly feeling like he might have invaded Even’s privacy and that maybe he should have asked Even about all those things he had looked up online.

Even smiled slightly but didn’t say anything else so Isak took a deep breath and continued talking.

“I don’t know what to say. Nothing feels right after what you told me and you probably don’t want pity or whatever. But I want you to know that I’m here for you if you want to talk to someone. I care about you and I want to be with you. And I don’t want you to distance yourself because you think you are toxic and that I’m better off without you. It’s not true. If you don’t want to be with me anymore that’s okay. I’ll keep my distance and I won’t bother you again. I just-”

“I want you,” Even said and looked Isak in the eyes for the first time in minutes. “Of course I want you!”

“You do?”

Isak felt Even move closer to him and as Even cupped his face he dared to close his eyes for just a few seconds, feeling Even’s fingers against his skin. When he opened his eyes Even smiled and kissed him gingerly on the lips.

“Of course I do, Isak,” Even said seriously.

Isak closed his eyes and buried his nose in Even’s neck as they hugged each other tightly. It felt so good to be this close to Even again. So unbelievably good to inhale Even’s scent and feel his arms arms wrapped around him.

“I was so sacred,” Even confessed. “I never felt they way I feel for you before and it scared me. Because I didn’t want to destroy you the way I’ve destroyed everyone else I love.”

“You are not going to destroy me,” Isak said quietly.

“I used to have a little brother,” Even said as if he hadn’t heard Isak speak at all. “His name was Aksel and he was a year younger than you.”

Used to. Was.

“He died in a car accident almost five months ago. And it was all my fault.”

Isak’s stomach turned into a heavy knot and his chest tightened painfully. Even looked away from Isak again and back towards the ground.

“At the beginning of the year things were starting to go downhill for me,” Even said quietly. “I was doing all these weird things and started acting weirdly. My friends and family noticed but for me everything just felt great. At least at first. I had been sort of depressed before so for me it just felt good to have lots of energy and inspiration to do things. But then I kissed by friend Mikael and everything went to hell. I did a lot of other things and things went to hell. Then everything came crashing down and I was at rock bottom again. I didn’t have energy to eat or talk, just lie in my bed. All I could think about was how I had fucked everything up and how it would be better for everyone if I disappeared. I didn’t want to live anymore so I tried tried kill myself but my parents were there to stop me and I was admitted to the hospital and later the psychiatric ward and there I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Once again my whole life fell apart. I just wanted to die. Anyway I had to stay at the psychiatric ward for a long time and I was pretty sick for most of it. It was starting to take a toll on my family. Especially Aksel. So my parents sent him to stay with our grandparents for a few days. Just so that he could get away. Away from me. They live in Tromso and Aksel loved it there. While he was there he got into a car accident and he didn’t make it.”

Isak felt tears prickle his eyes. Even looked up again with a sad look on his face.

“I’m so sorry, but that wasn’t your fault. It isn’t our fault,” he said lamely, trying to be brave and keep eye contact with Even.

“If it wasn’t for me he wouldn’t have gone away and then he wouldn’t have died,” Even mumbled.

It took Isak a few seconds to realise that Even was crying silently but when he did he moved closer and wrapped his arms around him the best he could. He expected Even to fight him off and for a couple of agonising seconds Even was completely stiff in his arms but then Even relaxed and let Isak embrace him, rolling to his side and pressing his nose into Isak’s chest.

“He was amazing and we used to to so many things together. We’d just hang out in each others room listening to music or play video games. Whenever we got home from school when we were younger we’d make cheese toasties together and whenever mom and dad were out and I babysat we’d order pizza and I’d let him watch movies mom didn’t want him to watch. We’d fight of course. Mostly when we were little but he was always there for me and I could talk to him about everything. When things turned to shit he was there for me but I let him down. I wasn’t a good brother to him and now I can’t tell him that I’m sorry. I can’t tell him anything anymore. I didn’t even get to say goodbye to him.”

Isak felt his heart break into a million pieces and he has to close his eyes. It was not fair that someone like Even would have to go through something like that. Even who shined brighter than the sun most of the time. Who bought Isak baked goods and took him on adventures and shared his playlist that felt like it was part of his soul. This was what Even carried with him all the time.

“I’m so sorry,” Isak said. “I’m so sorry you had to go through this.”

“My family is broken,” Even said. “It broke my parents. They lost one of their son’s and the other one is crazy and had to be locked up in the psychiatric ward. They are trying so hard to stay afloat but this is tearing them apart. They are trying to be there for me and take care of me instead of being there for eachother. My mom has lost 15 kilos since it happened and my dad is stressed all the time. He’s trying to make sure everything is okay but he’s barely holding it together and I can’t bear to see him like that. I can’t bear to see either of them like that. I can’t stand being home most of the time because I’m drowning in guilt. They would never blame me but it feels like it is my fault. And maybe things would be better if they didn’t have to deal with me too. Sometimes I wished dad hadn’t stopped me. Then Aksel would have been alive and...”

Isak bit his lip until it hurt and blinked rapidly. His heart was breaking again in another thousand sharp pieces at hearing Even blame himself for his little brother’s death and believing his parents had been better off if he was dead. He felt guilty for moaning about his own family situation all the time. For always fighting his dad over everything. For resting him for caring about Isak. For all those times he kept ignoring his mum. At least his family was alive.

“Don’t say that,” he said stupidly. “If you had died they’d be devastated too. It would have broken them too.”

He had never been good with supporting others because he never knew what to say or do when others relied on him. He knew there was nothing he could say to make things better and that his feeble attempt to comfort Even wasn’t going to do much and that he couldn’t possibly make things okay.

“I just miss him,” Even said.

They remained silent for a little while, just sitting next to each other on the bench. After a few minutes Even stopped crying and he dried his face with the back of his hand.

“Do you want to go back to school?” Isak asked.

Even shook his head without looking at Isak.

“Do you have to go back?” he asked.

“Not really,” Isak said, shrugging.

“Can we just stay here for a little while longer?” Even asked quietly, this time looking at Isak.

“Yeah,” Isak said. “We can.”

-

It felt as if a huge weight had been lifted of Isak’s shoulder once he and Even parted ways in late afternoon. After spending another half hour on the bench Isak had brought Even to the closest cafe and bought him something to eat.

“Will you be okay?” Isak asked as they stood at the tram station, ready to part ways.

Even looked a little better than he had earlier today but his face was still sunken in and the under eye circles still dark and prominent.

“Yes, Isak,” Even said softly and smiled as he traced Isak’s cheek, moving his thumb and rubbing it against the skin underneath Isak’s eyes. “Don’t lose anymore sleep over me,” he continued. “I’ll be okay.”

Isak nodded.

“I promise,” Even said.

“Will I see you tomorrow?” Isak asked.

“Yeah of course,” Even said.

“Good. And call me if you need anything,” Isak said. “I know there is not much I can do but I’m here for you.“

“Thank you, Isak” Even said before giving Isak’s cheek one last affectionate stroke. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Isak walked home instead of taking the tram. Despite his anxiety being almost gone he still felt too restless to spend the journey home cramped up on the tram. Now that Even had gone back home he begun thinking about the mess he had made earlier in the day. Jonas hadn’t texted him and the group chat with the boys was silent. He wondered what they had said once he left and Jonas undoubtedly returned to their table in the cafeteria. Maybe he had told them about Isak taking off. Maybe they had just talked about what an utter piece of shit Isak was. He wanted to text Magnus privately and tell him he was sorry but he couldn’t come up with anything to say. Just sorry didn’t really feel enough without an explanation. Reluctantly he texted Emma instead and asked her if he had missed anything important in the classes they shared.

His dad was still at work by the time Isak arrived home and Isak quickly grabbed himself an apple before moving to the living room where he sat down on the sofa and opened up his laptop. Emma had sent him a list of assignments and pages he was required to look through. It wasn’t too bad. He could catch up with everything and if he talked to his teachers tomorrow he was sure they would get him off without registering his absence.

-

 **Even 17:23**  
Hey. Do you have plans  
for tomorrow night? I want  
to take you out for dinner :)

 **Isak 17:25**  
hi! no plans. Yet. Oooh  
dinner, like in a date?

 **Even 17:26**  
Yes like a date! if that’s  
what you want? :O

  
**Isak 17:26**  
Of course I want to :)

  
**Even 17:26**  
:D I guess I’ll see  
you tomorrow then :)  
In school and after!

 **Isak 17:26**  
Haha yeah. I’m excited!  
See you tomorrow :)

 **Even 17:30**  
Thank you for being  
there for me today.  
And for texting all week  
<3 it means alot. Really.

 **Isak 17:31**  
<3 I’m glad you told me.  
And I want to be there for  
you. And I hope you’ll feel  
better soon <3

 **Even 17:31**  
<3 I feel better. I promise.  
You don’t need to worry  
about me <3 <3

Isak smiled for himself as he looked at the hearts Even had sent him. He was still worried about Even, but it felt good that Even had opened up to him and that Even trusted him. And he couldn’t wait to go out with Even. The thought about going on a real date with Even made his stomach flutter with excitement and the anxiety that had overpowered him during the past week was replaced with a positive nervousness. It also made him realise that he was tired of all the lies he had told in the past few weeks when it came to Even. He was tired of hiding his feelings and he was tired of pretending that nothing was going on. He wanted to be able to share his excitement with Jonas, just like Jonas had with Ingrid and then with Eva. Even if Isak had been heartbroken at the time, at the thought of Jonas going out on a girl, it was something that Jonas had trusted him with. And Isak didn’t want to lie to Jonas anymore. Not about this at least. It was easy to lie about how he was feeling on a daily basis but this was something else. Still. the mere thought about telling Jonas about Even, about being gay, made his anxiety start to creep back in on him.

What if Jonas wouldn’t accept him? What if he would tell Magnus and Mahdi? And what would happen once they knew? Would they be cool with him being gay? What if they weren't? And what about the rest of the school? His parents? His mother?

  
**Even 17:47**  
Do you like Sushi?  
<3 <3 <3 <3

Isak looked at the text, making up his mind. He was going to tell Jonas. He could do it. If Even could open his heart for Isak then Isak could tell his best friend. Jonas had already been there for him Isak’s whole life, through everything from his illness to his mother’s breakdown. Maybe telling him wouldn’t be so bad?

 **Isak 18:00**  
Hey I’m really sorry  
about today. Can we meet  
up before school tomorow? I  
have something to tell  
you! 

 **Jonas 18:07**  
Yeah of course man!  
Is everything okay?

 **Isak 18:08**  
Yeah everything is  
fine. I promise :)

 **Jonas 18:09**  
Good :) I’ll see you  
tomorrow! 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so so much for reading. And if you are still interested in reading, thank you for being patient. It would really mean alot if you left a comment but at the very least it would reassure me that someone is interested in this story. But that is of course up to you :)
> 
> Take care!

**Author's Note:**

> First chapter done! Is it worth continuing? Would you like to read more? 
> 
> Hopefully I will be able to post once a week! At least in the beginning :) 
> 
> Thank you so mcúch for giving it a shot <3


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